Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

And we should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

I’ve always had lots of friends and my house was the house they all hung out at.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places.

For it is mutual trust, even more than mutual interest that holds human associations together. Our friends seldom profit us but they make us feel safe. Marriage is a scheme to accomplish exactly that same end.

With mirth and laughter let old wrinkles come.

It’s easy being a humorist when you’ve got the whole government working for you.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

The PC has improved the world in just about every area you can think of. Amazing developments in communications, collaboration and efficiencies. New kinds of entertainment and social media. Access to information and the ability to give a voice people who would never have been heard.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

‚Best Man Holiday‘ was a very successful film.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I want to play a fireman and a spy. I want to learn special effects.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night – and I’d dream about it being me.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

The people you choose to have around you make all the difference. My family and close friends keep me grounded. You have to have a mind of your own and a strong head on your shoulders. Cricket is the most important thing to me, so the rest of it pales in comparison.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Is there a sharper commentary on American culture and the world than The Simpsons?

I used to make little movies when I was younger. I’d make my friends be in them and then edit them.

I saw MotoGP on TV first, before I saw F1 and other types of car racing. It’s what I got more into. It was cool, there was good, exciting racing.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

According to Lifetime, I don’t know anything about TV.

I was very honored to get to be part of ‚American Idol.‘

You see some of the weirdest people in Detroit casinos.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

In music the passions enjoy themselves.

Animals are such agreeable friends – they ask no questions; they pass no criticisms.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I could have spent eight years doing anything, and at some level, it would have been fine. I could have focused on flowers. I could have focused on decor. I could have focused on entertainment. Because any First Lady, rightfully, gets to define her role. There’s no legislative authority; you’re not elected. And that’s a wonderful gift of freedom.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

People are using Windows PCs more than they watch TV now.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Among the friends of Union, there is great diversity of sentiment and of policy in regard to slavery and the African race among us.

I love to pop up at the movie theaters. I love to treat the people who are there.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.