There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank ZappaI’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.
Dolly PartonMen are swayed more by fear than by reverence.
AristotleI have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
Groucho MarxDisneyland is a show.
Walt DisneyI know about two things: ‚Rocky III‘ and Clubber Lang, and ‚A-Team‘ and B.A. Baracus. That’s who I am!
Mr. TIt has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.
John SteinbeckI have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.
VoltaireI’m well past the age where I’m acceptable. You get to a certain age and you are forbidden access. You’re not going to get the kind of coverage that you would like in music magazines, you’re not going to get played on radio and you’re not going to get played on television. I have to survive on word of mouth.
David BowieOnly kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘
Mark TwainI think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
Oscar WildeTo tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men.
Edmund BurkeIf my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
Woody AllenAs the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody AllenTo be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
Ernest HemingwayHe is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.
William ShakespeareThere are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Woody AllenOn TV the people can see it. On radio you’ve got to create it.
Bob UeckerMost of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
Woody AllenI don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.
Adam SandlerMen have to do some awfully mean things to keep up their respectability.
George Bernard ShawMovies are fun, but they are no cure for cancer.
Clint EastwoodI was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
George CarlinMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody AllenI do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.
Anthony HopkinsWho in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
Erma BombeckIf my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.
Isaac AsimovWhenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘
Maya AngelouFor so many people, television and movies may be the only way they understand people who aren’t like them.
Michelle ObamaYou see the film, you might be entertained, and if it’s not a great film, it loses its power very quickly. I think even simply acceptable books stay with us a lot longer.
Paul AusterWhen they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘
Theodore Roosevelt‚Star Wars‘ is fun, its exciting, its inspirational, and people respond to that. It’s what they want.
George LucasGrowing up I didn’t watch movies.
Denzel WashingtonI love to pop up at the movie theaters. I love to treat the people who are there.
Kevin HartInstead of noblemen, let us have noble villages of men.
Henry David ThoreauI’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.
Kanye WestLike getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.
Richard BransonI could have spent eight years doing anything, and at some level, it would have been fine. I could have focused on flowers. I could have focused on decor. I could have focused on entertainment. Because any First Lady, rightfully, gets to define her role. There’s no legislative authority; you’re not elected. And that’s a wonderful gift of freedom.
Michelle Obama‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.
Terry PratchettI’ve got a great sense of humor.
Anthony HopkinsBabies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘
Steven WrightBefore marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.
Marilyn MonroeI do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I’m doing new stuff all the time.
Jerry SeinfeldI love performing, you know, because, like I say, I’m a ham for this stuff.
Mr. TI feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Steven WrightThe reason men oppose progress is not that they hate progress, but that they love inertia.
Elbert HubbardMarriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
Erma BombeckI was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Steven WrightBehind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Jim CarreyMen are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.
Arthur SchopenhauerMen often oppose a thing merely because they have had no agency in planning it, or because it may have been planned by those whom they dislike.
Alexander HamiltonJerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.
Lyndon B. JohnsonWell, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
George CarlinA two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry SeinfeldI met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.
Steve JobsThe sensitivity of men to small matters, and their indifference to great ones, indicates a strange inversion.
Blaise PascalDo you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.
Henny YoungmanDisneyland is the star, everything else is in the supporting role.
Walt DisneyColleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.
Bob DylanObama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.
Mr. T