Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

All men are prepared to accomplish the incredible if their ideals are threatened.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

TV’s a big deal in prison. A big deal. People watch it nonstop.

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.

Men are so willing to respect anything that bores them.

Culture: the cry of men in face of their destiny.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

You will find men who want to be carried on the shoulders of others, who think that the world owes them a living. They don’t seem to see that we must all lift together and pull together.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

Men rise from one ambition to another: first, they seek to secure themselves against attack, and then they attack others.

I don’t get bored.

Men who wish to know about the world must learn about it in its particular details.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

Men’s ideas are the most direct emanations of their material state.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

We must conceive of this whole universe as one commonwealth of which both gods and men are members.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

I like the good life too much, I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

There are so many men and women who hold no distinctive positions but whose contribution towards the development of society has been enormous.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Men are so simple and yield so readily to the desires of the moment that he who will trick will always find another who will suffer to be tricked.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Women deeply want men who are competent and powerful. And I don’t mean power in that they can exert tyrannical control over others. That’s not power. That’s just corruption.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Men are nearly always willing to believe what they wish.

The art of acting consists in keeping people from coughing.

Men create gods after their own image, not only with regard to their form but with regard to their mode of life.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.

That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons of history.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

You see the film, you might be entertained, and if it’s not a great film, it loses its power very quickly. I think even simply acceptable books stay with us a lot longer.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

My show ‚The Big House‘ was picked up; they flew me to New York. I’m about to step on stage to announce Kevin Hart’s ‚The Big House.‘ And a hand grabs my shoulder, ‚Kevin no, they just decided to cancel it.‘ It’s a serious smack-in-the-face business, and either you can take it, or you can’t.

In music the passions enjoy themselves.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

The celebrity-chef thing, even at its worst, its most annoying, its silliest, its goofiest, its most egregious and cynical, has been a good thing.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Men do change, and change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.