Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I was very honored to get to be part of ‚American Idol.‘

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

According to Lifetime, I don’t know anything about TV.

On TV the people can see it. On radio you’ve got to create it.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

Brave men are all vertebrates; they have their softness on the surface and their toughness in the middle.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

We must conceive of this whole universe as one commonwealth of which both gods and men are members.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

TV’s a big deal in prison. A big deal. People watch it nonstop.

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

I don’t get bored.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Men govern nothing with more difficulty than their tongues, and can moderate their desires more than their words.

Culture: the cry of men in face of their destiny.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

I think it’s brought the world a lot closer together, and will continue to do that. There are downsides to everything; there are unintended consequences to everything. The most corrosive piece of technology that I’ve ever seen is called television – but then, again, television, at its best, is magnificent.

Men are so simple and yield so readily to the desires of the moment that he who will trick will always find another who will suffer to be tricked.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Men have to do some awfully mean things to keep up their respectability.

Men seldom, or rather never for a length of time and deliberately, rebel against anything that does not deserve rebelling against.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Women deeply want men who are competent and powerful. And I don’t mean power in that they can exert tyrannical control over others. That’s not power. That’s just corruption.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn’t really bother me.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Men are nearly always willing to believe what they wish.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Men are by nature merely indifferent to one another; but women are by nature enemies.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

When men are easy in their circumstances, they are naturally enemies to innovations.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

It is plain indeed that in spite of later estrangement Hobbits are relatives of ours: far nearer to us than Elves, or even than Dwarves. Of old they spoke the languages of Men, after their own fashion, and liked and disliked much the same things as Men did. But what exactly our relationship is can no longer be discovered.