Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I want kids. I want a soccer team, and I want a husband.

My son has died of AIDS.

I’m happiest with my family around me.

All my stepchildren carried the burden of my fame. Sometimes they would read terrible things about me, and I’d worry about whether it would hurt them. I would tell them: ‚Don’t hide these things from me. I’d rather you ask me these things straight out, and I’ll answer all your questions.‘

Who’s my hero? That’s a great question… Well, I think my dad is my hero, because he’s someone I look up to every day.

OK, I have a nickname. My family calls me ‚Trey‘ because I’m William the third. My dad has the same name, which is always confusing because my dad is well known, and I’m also known.

My dad seemed comfortable with his decision to be a ‚have-not,‘ but I knew that I wasn’t.

After momma gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal. It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her.

I’ve been my mom’s kitchen helper since I was a little kid.

When I was growing up, I wanted to adopt, because I was aware there were kids that didn’t have parents.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

I had to make a choice at one point in my life, of missing films or missing my children. It was a very easy decision to make because I missed my children so very much.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

John D. Rockefeller apparently became more of a tightwad the richer he got. I don’t know if it is true, but one story I read was about one of his sons having to wear his older sister’s clothes in order to save money.

Phil Niekro and his brother were pitching against each other in Atlanta. Their parents were sitting right behind home plate. I saw their folks more that day than they did the whole weekend.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

To bring a healthy child into this world, raise them right and watch them grow is the biggest miracle there is.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Neil Young is my hero, and such a great example. You know what that guy has been doing for the past 40 years? Making music. That’s what that guy does. Sometimes you pay attention, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes he hands it to you, sometimes he keeps it to himself. He’s a good man with a beautiful family and wonderful life.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

We will always be a family. Always.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I’ve got incredible support from my wife and family and people around me. I’ve got great people around me who handle anything on the outside, business-wise, who help free me up to create in my job.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Treat your children like the blessings they are or don’t have them at all.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

When I was growing up, my family was so poor we couldn’t afford to pay attention.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

All of my brothers and sisters are very talented. They all sang all right.

I was set free because my greatest fear had been realized, and I still had a daughter who I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

My grandmother took me to church on Sunday all day long, every Sunday into the night. Then Monday evening was the missionary meeting. Tuesday evening was usher board meeting. Wednesday evening was prayer meeting. Thursday evening was visit the sick. Friday evening was choir practice. I mean, and at all those gatherings, we sang.

Someday I want to have children and give them all the love I never had.