Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

We were never intimate mother and children while she was our mother – but… when she became our child, the affection came.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Wisdom I know is social. She seeks her fellows. But Beauty is jealous, and illy bears the presence of a rival.

It is necessary to fall in love… if only to provide an alibi for all the random despair you are going to feel anyway.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

My mother did not like children.

Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.

It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

My husband has quite simply been my strength and stay all these years, and I owe him a debt greater than he would ever claim.

Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.

There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

We never love a person, but only qualities.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

He who hath many friends hath none.

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

He that hath wife and children hath given hostages to fortune; for they are impediments to great enterprises, either of virtue or mischief.

Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.

People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like – that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

I have a brother and sister; my mother does not care for thought, and father, too busy with his briefs to notice what we do. He buys me many books, but begs me not to read them, because he fears they joggle the mind.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

He that has not got a wife is not yet a complete man.

There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

I should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

You don’t sign up for a divorce when you get married. It’s very painful. But it’s taught me a great deal about myself.

I want kids. I want a soccer team, and I want a husband.

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

A man will speedily sit down and sympathize with a friend’s griefs, but if he sees him honored and esteemed, he is apt to regard him as a rival and does not so readily rejoice with him. This ought not to be; without effort, we ought to be happy in our brother’s happiness.

Family and friendships are two of the greatest facilitators of happiness.

Anxiety and spiritual searching have been consistent themes with me, and that figures into my worldview. But I tend to make my songs sound like relationship songs.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Trying to meet new women, it’s always a little more difficult as opposed to calling somebody I knew that’s single and trying to rebuild that connection.

Young love is wild and outrageous, laughing at moderation and blinding us to common sense.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Go up close to your friend, but do not go over to him! We should also respect the enemy in our friend.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Man is always looking for someone to boast to; woman is always looking for a shoulder to put her head on.

Love alone is capable of uniting living beings in such a way as to complete and fulfill them, for it alone takes them and joins them by what is deepest in themselves.

Love is the one wild card.

So then, the relationship of self to other is the complete realization that loving yourself is impossible without loving everything defined as other than yourself.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I boldly assert, in fact I think I know, that a lot of friendships and connections absolutely depend upon a sort of shared language, or slang. Not necessarily designed to exclude others, this can establish a certain comity and, even after a long absence, re-establish it in a second.