Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

There is danger that we lose sight of what our friend is absolutely, while considering what she is to us alone.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

I like to write about love and love lost because I feel like there are so many different subcategories of emotions that you can possibly delve into.

For how many things, which for our own sake we should never do, do we perform for the sake of our friends.

Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, shall win my love.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

We want our marriage to be a triumph, not a tragedy.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

I found it hard to be young. When I was married in my twenties, I hated being regarded as ‚the little wife.‘ You don’t know what it was like then! I’d never even written a cheque. I had to ask my husband for money for groceries.

I thank God I’m myself and for the life I’m given to live and for friends and lovers and beloveds, and I thank God for knowing that all those people have already paid for me.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Basically, when you get to my age, you’ll really measure your success in life by how many of the people you want to have love you actually do love you.

If you cry over a guy, then your friends can’t date him. It can’t even be considered.

As a single withered tree, if set aflame, causes a whole forest to burn, so does a rascal son destroy a whole family.

You gotta understand: I believe a woman should praise the man, the king. If you holding it down for your woman, I feel like the woman should praise. And the man should praise the queen.

Who, being loved, is poor?

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

A lot of the time when I write about the person that I love, I feel like I’m writing about New York.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Every parting gives a foretaste of death, every reunion a hint of the resurrection.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

The drama and the trauma of the relationship you have when you’re 16 can mirror the one you have when you’re 26. Life repeats itself.

Few friendships would survive if each one knew what his friend says of him behind his back.

I was adored once too.

I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.

When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation.

Accident counts for as much in companionship as in marriage.

I love us so incredibly, insanely deeply; it’s almost unbearable to see what we do to ourselves.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.

As I get older, I tend to put more into family than I used to.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?

We must be our own before we can be another’s.

Since it is difficult to join them together, it is safer to be feared than to be loved when one of the two must be lacking.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

The love of the family, the love of one person can heal. It heals the scars left by a larger society. A massive, powerful society.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Impart as much as you can of your spiritual being to those who are on the road with you, and accept as something precious what comes back to you from them.

Love is the one wild card.

In the Western Church to which I belong, priests cannot be married as in the Byzantine, Ukrainian, Russian or Greek Catholic Churches. In those churches, the priests can be married, but the bishops have to be celibate. They are very good priests.

I believe in love at first sight. You want that connection, and then you want some problems.

Truth is everybody is going to hurt you: you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.