Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

Olympics for me is love, peace, united.

I don’t know what’s better gettin‘ laid or gettin‘ paid.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.

The prospect of dating someone in her twenties becomes less appealing as you get older. At some point in your life, your tolerance level goes down and you realize that, with someone much younger, there’s nothing really to talk about.

I love singing. I love it, and it doesn’t feel like a chore. It’s an expression.

You can’t trust very many people.

‚The Story of Us‘ is about running into someone I had been in a relationship with at an awards show, and we were seated a few seats away from each other. I just wanted to say to him, ‚Is this killing you? Because it’s killing me.‘ But I didn’t. Because I couldn’t. Because we both had these silent shields up.

A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.

One friend in a lifetime is much, two are many, three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

If misery loves company, misery has company enough.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.

Finding good partners is the key to success in anything: in business, in marriage and, especially, in investing.

We can’t form our children on our own concepts; we must take them and love them as God gives them to us.

Relationships are like traffic lights. And I just have this theory that I can only exist in a relationship if it’s a green light.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Part of our tradition as black women is that we are universalists. Black children, yellow children, red children, brown children, that is the black woman’s normal, day-to-day relationship. In my family alone, we are about four different colors.

When I worked on a magazine, I learned that there are many, many writers writing that can’t write at all; and they keep on writing all the cliches and bromides and 1890 plots, and poems about Spring and poems about Love, and poems they think are modern because they are done in slang or staccato style, or written with all the ‚i’s‘ small.

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

There isn’t any formula or method. You learn to love by loving – by paying attention and doing what one thereby discovers has to be done.

Be a force of love as often as you can and turn away negative thoughts whenever you feel them surface.

Speak low, if you speak love.

A true man hates no one.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

God’s love is too great to be confined to any one side of a conflict or to any one religion.

How do I know about a man’s needs for a sex symbol? I’m a girl.

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

To love rightly is to love what is orderly and beautiful in an educated and disciplined way.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

If I’m not in love, if I’m not with a long-term companion, I cannot be happy.

The love of the family, the love of one person can heal. It heals the scars left by a larger society. A massive, powerful society.

The only big things I’ve purchased are my dad’s heart valve and a Rolls-Royce for my parents, for their anniversary. And that was only because my dad had a Lady Gaga license plate on our old car and it was making me crazy because he was getting followed everywhere, so I bought him a new car.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

A bad man is the sort who weeps every time he speaks of a good woman.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia – to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

Those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Any man who doesn’t love his mama can’t be no friend of mine.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy.

I really want to love somebody. I do. I just don’t know if it’s possible forever and ever.

I love life because what more is there?

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.