Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Speak low, if you speak love.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it’s going to get on by itself. You’ve got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.

Hatred is active, and envy passive dislike; there is but one step from envy to hate.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I think what motivates people is not great hate, but great love for other people.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

I think we all change each other’s paths. I don’t know which law idea that is in physics, but I don’t think any of us can live without affecting one another.

Almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people.

It is plain indeed that in spite of later estrangement Hobbits are relatives of ours: far nearer to us than Elves, or even than Dwarves. Of old they spoke the languages of Men, after their own fashion, and liked and disliked much the same things as Men did. But what exactly our relationship is can no longer be discovered.

All mankind love a lover.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

There are women who can make you feel more with their bodies and their souls, but these are the exact women who will turn the knife into you right in front of the crowd. Of course, I expect this, but the knife still cuts.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.

People like to hear the word ‚love.‘

The husband who decides to surprise his wife is often very much surprised himself.

He that loves to be flattered is worthy o‘ the flatterer.

I had this child, and it destroyed my family.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told I am loved.

For the woman, the man is a means: the end is always the child.

Not cohabitation but consensus constitutes marriage.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

I had no bad moment in my relationship with Dortmund. Not one second.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?

I will never be happy without having someone. Going to sleep alone kills me.

I am a bit of a solitude person – a solitary personality. I like being on my own. I don’t have any major friendships or relationships with people.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

A family looks for ways to support and inspire one another.

It is easy to say how we love new friends, and what we think of them, but words can never trace out all the fibers that knit us to the old.

Have you ever asked yourselves what you are going to do when you grow up? In all likelihood you will get married, and before you know where you are, you will be mothers and fathers; and you will then be tied to a job, or to the kitchen, in which you will gradually wither away. Is that all that your life is going to be?

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

No matter what message you are about to deliver somewhere, whether it is holding out a hand of friendship, or making clear that you disapprove of something, is the fact that the person sitting across the table is a human being, so the goal is to always establish common ground.

Since it is difficult to join them together, it is safer to be feared than to be loved when one of the two must be lacking.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

I used to take my short stories to girls‘ homes and read them to them. Can you imagine the reaction reading a short story to a girl instead of pawing her?

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I love to flirt, and I’ve never met a man I didn’t like.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Those whom we can love, we can hate; to others we are indifferent.

I really thought I was on the way out. My husband Blake saved my life. Often I don’t know what I do, then the next day the memory returns. And then I am engulfed in shame.

They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.

The degree of one’s emotions varies inversely with one’s knowledge of the facts.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

A good wife is one who serves her husband in the morning like a mother does, loves him in the day like a sister does and pleases him like a prostitute in the night.

What is uttered from the heart alone, Will win the hearts of others to your own.