Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I’m a football fan, a sports fan, a fan of competition.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Mine is better than ours.

Why slap them on the wrist with feather when you can belt them over the head with a sledgehammer.

I used to go missing a lot… Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World.

Competition is not only the basis of protection to the consumer, but is the incentive to progress.

As long as I am playing competitive football I am happy.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

It’s what counts, isn’t it, on the Sunday, rather than pre-season testing. If you lock up, you do a little mistake, it’s nothing, but if you do it on Sunday, you lose a place or you have to box for a flat spot or something like that. It’s a much bigger problem.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

It obviously bothers people when Real Madrid win. It makes them jealous. There isn’t a level playing field.

All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

The connectivity declaration is about uniting the whole industry – a lot of companies that typically compete very fiercely – to push in a coherent direction.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

All of us have been trained by education and environment to seek personal gain and security and to fight for ourselves. Though we cover it over with pleasant phrases, we have been educated for various professions within a system which is based on exploitation and acquisitive fear.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

There have been so many great players that I’ve played with, that I’ve played against over the years.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The victor belongs to the spoils.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The French complain of everything, and always.

There are some singers that know exactly when to go, and others hang on much too long and that is the same, that is the same with judges.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

I will fight in many weight divisions.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.