Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‚Present‘ or ‚Not guilty.‘

England was the first true colonial power to use its dominion over a large part of Africa, the Middle East, Asia, Australia, North America, and many Caribbean islands, in the first half of the 20th century.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

It cannot be too often stressed that Israel had no credible pretext for its 2008-9 attack on Gaza, with full U.S. support and illegally using U.S. weapons.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

When a nation is over-reliant on one or two commodities like oil or precious minerals, corrupt government ministers and their dodgy associates hoard profits and taxes instead of properly allocating them to schools and hospitals.

If you want a love message to be heard, it has got to be sent out. To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

You make ‚em, I amuse ‚em.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

Senator McCain is Israel’s most unconditional ally in Mossad’s machinations, something that even his worst adversaries would have been able to imagine. McCain participated alongside this secret service in the creation of the Islamic State, which has appropriated a considerable part of Iraq as well as a third of Syria, according to its affirmations.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Take my wife… Please!

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Israel was not created in order to disappear – Israel will endure and flourish. It is the child of hope and the home of the brave. It can neither be broken by adversity nor demoralized by success. It carries the shield of democracy and it honors the sword of freedom.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

Ever since Israel has been a nation the United States has provided the leadership. Every president down to the ages has done this in a fairly balanced way, including George Bush senior, Gerald Ford, and others including myself and Bill Clinton.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

The Egyptians could run to Egypt, the Syrians into Syria. The only place we could run was into the sea, and before we did that we might as well fight.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.