Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

Wisdom is the right use of knowledge. To know is not to be wise. Many men know a great deal, and are all the greater fools for it. There is no fool so great a fool as a knowing fool. But to know how to use knowledge is to have wisdom.

Those that know, do. Those that understand, teach.

The stroke of death is as a lover’s pinch, which hurts and is desired.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.

Knowledge rests not upon truth alone, but upon error also.

Men always talk about the most important things to perfect strangers. In the perfect stranger we perceive man himself; the image of a God is not disguised by resemblances to an uncle or doubts of wisdom of a mustache.

All the learnin‘ my father paid for was a bit o‘ birch at one end and an alphabet at the other.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Speak the truth, do not yield to anger; give, if thou art asked for little; by these three steps thou wilt go near the gods.

Do not ask for what you will wish you had not got.

Knowledge of what is does not open the door directly to what should be.

The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

We are all full of weakness and errors; let us mutually pardon each other our follies – it is the first law of nature.

To state the facts frankly is not to despair the future nor indict the past. The prudent heir takes careful inventory of his legacies and gives a faithful accounting to those whom he owes an obligation of trust.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

The more I see the less I know for sure.

Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.

He who possesses art and science has religion; he who does not possess them, needs religion.

You could not step twice into the same rivers; for other waters are ever flowing on to you.

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

We are wiser than we know.

Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.

The function of wisdom is to discriminate between good and evil.

It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere.

The wise man should restrain his senses like the crane and accomplish his purpose with due knowledge of his place, time and ability.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

I intend, before the endgame looms, to die sitting in a chair in my own garden with a glass of brandy in my hand and Thomas Tallis on the iPod. Oh, and since this is England, I had better add, ‚If wet, in the library.‘ Who could say that this is bad?

Education is the period during which you are being instructed by somebody you do not know, about something you do not want to know.

Ask an older person you respect to tell you his or her greatest regret.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.

War is a game that is played with a smile. If you can’t smile, grin. If you can’t grin, keep out of the way till you can.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

As he was valiant, I honour him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.

There is a certain majesty in simplicity which is far above all the quaintness of wit.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you can see.

Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.

Next to knowing when to seize an opportunity, the most important thing in life is to know when to forego an advantage.

Although nature commences with reason and ends in experience it is necessary for us to do the opposite, that is to commence with experience and from this to proceed to investigate the reason.

Despair is the conclusion of fools.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs.

It is the sign of a great mind to dislike greatness, and to prefer things in measure to things in excess.

In South Korea, they believe that when you turn 60, you’ve become a baby again and the rest of your life should be totally about joy and happiness, and people should leave you alone, and I just think that that’s the height of intelligence.