Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

I’ve been waiting over 40 years to come to Cyprus, and it has not disappointed – the birthplace of Aphrodite, the Crossroads of Civilization, and, I might add, a genuine strategic partner to the United States of America.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

I’m a wandering gypsy.

I’ll stay in Memphis.

There’s something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she’s only measured water in it.

There is no such thing as society: there are individual men and women, and there are families.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

Every time I come to Europe, I’m just as excited as I was my very first time, which was many, many years ago. I love that part of the world, and I especially love the fans.

Obviously, because of my disability, I need assistance. But I have always tried to overcome the limitations of my condition and lead as full a life as possible. I have traveled the world, from the Antarctic to zero gravity.

The best thing about being a dad? Well, I think it’s just the thing that every man wants – to have a son and heir.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I’ve told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn’t kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are.

Of all nature’s gifts to the human race, what is sweeter to a man than his children?

I go to sleep thinking about my kids being spoiled and I wake up thinking about it.

My mother, my grandmother, my uncles would play Ethiopian artists like Aster Aweke and Mulatu Astatke all the time in the house.

Where thou art, that is home.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Husbands never become good; they merely become proficient.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

You and I come by road or rail, but economists travel on infrastructure.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.

The love of the family, the love of one person can heal. It heals the scars left by a larger society. A massive, powerful society.

My dad had a church of 90 people when I was born. It was just, over the years it continued to grow.

The kindness that’s been shown to me, by doctors as well as my family and my friends, it’s really saved my life.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Touring is very routine. You get to the city, you go to the hotel, you got to be at the hotel by a certain time – it’s very routine. I’m not a very structured person, so when I get some structure, it’s cool; it’s good for me.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.

My first job in all honesty is going to continue to be mom-in-chief. Making sure that in this transition, which will be even more of a transition for the girls… that they are settled and that they know they will continue to be the center of our universe.

My real dream is to have a whole, like, buy a whole piece of land. Imagine, like, a long driveway. Like, a cul de sac-type street, with maybe, like, seven houses. Me be right here. Have my mom be able to be right here. My brother over here. My girl’s grandmother and family right here. Friends over there. That’s my real dream.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

On the way back from Mumbai to go meet with President Xi in China, I stopped in Singapore to meet with a guy named Lee Kuan Yew, who most foreign policy experts around the world say is the wisest man in the Orient.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

My mother would kill me if I posed nude! My mother raised me with certain standards.

Those who know me know I’m passionate about lists, and top of my list of priorities is my family. My wife Joan and I do not consider our legacy to our children to be wealth or fame but the opportunity to pursue happiness by following their own path.

I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

When I am playing baseball, I give it all that I have on the ball field. When the ball game is over, I certainly don’t take it home. My little girl who is sitting out there wouldn’t know the difference between a third strike and a foul ball. We don’t talk about baseball at home.

Writing and travel broaden your ass if not your mind and I like to write standing up.

I think I have always had a little humor.

We lived in a tall, narrow Victorian house, which my parents had bought very cheaply during the war, when everyone thought London was going to be bombed flat. In fact, a V-2 rocket landed a few houses away from ours. I was away with my mother and sister at the time, but my father was in the house.

A mother defends herself with a heart filled with love before doing so with words. I wonder whether there is any love for the church in the hearts of those who pay so much attention to the scandals.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

I have a lot of other stuff to accomplish before I get to kids. Whenever the time is right, I’ll just know. If I had a girl, she’d probably be really rebellious. She would be like a bundle of karma. I would love to bring them up in Barbados.

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life it stays with you, for Paris is a moveable feast.

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

I used to carry my father’s Bible and put it on the pulpit so he could preach.