Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

Stand-up is my baby.

I cry so much less than I used to. I used to be one of the most teary people.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

To insult someone we call him ‚bestial. For deliberate cruelty and nature, ‚human‘ might be the greater insult.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Joe Frazier got hit more than me – and he doesn’t have Parkinson’s.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Stand-up is hard.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.