Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

The most important question in the world is, ‚Why is the child crying?‘

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

Joe Frazier got hit more than me – and he doesn’t have Parkinson’s.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can’t predict what people will laugh at.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Stand-up is my baby.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.