I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

I learned early to drink beer, wine and whiskey. And I think I was about 5 when I first chewed tobacco.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

There are some sluggish men who are improved by drinking; as there are fruits that are not good until they are rotten.

We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret to humor is surprise.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

I hate to be smart.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

It’s a funny old world.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘