I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

I used to really love Fiend, but he stopped. He just stopped. Every time he had a project, every project – ‚There’s One In Every Family,‘ ‚Street Life‘ – I had to have them. And he just stopped. And that was disappointing, ‚cause that was my favorite rapper at one time.

The secret to humor is surprise.

I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Halley’s Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‚Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.‘

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.

Where sense is wanting, everything is wanting.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

Give thy thoughts no tongue.

The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Being elected to Congress, though I am very grateful to our friends for having done it, has not pleased me as much as I expected.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I have really been disillusioned with soccer in England.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

Words are loaded pistols.

A minute of thought is greater than an hour of talk.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

One today is worth two tomorrows.

If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

It is best to rise from life as from a banquet, neither thirsty nor drunken.

Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself.

Politics is applesauce.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.