I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

Eating words has never given me indigestion.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Everything I say is a joke. I am a joke myself.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

In married life three is company and two none.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Poets utter great and wise things which they do not themselves understand.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

The French complain of everything, and always.

There is no great genius without some touch of madness.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

I’m very disappointed in Obama. I was very much in support of him in the beginning, but I cannot support war. I cannot support droning. I cannot support capitulating to the banks.

Baldwin thought Europe was a bore, and Chamberlain thought it was only a greater Birmingham.

Nothing is ever done beautifully which is done in rivalship: or nobly, which is done in pride.

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Find enough clever things to say, and you’re a Prime Minister; write them down and you’re a Shakespeare.

Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It’s literary suicide.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day.

Just because something didn’t work out your way, or somebody disappointed you, that does not change who you are.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Before a man speaks it is always safe to assume that he is a fool. After he speaks, it is seldom necessary to assume it.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

He shines in the second rank, who is eclipsed in the first.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

I hate to be smart.

If I make a mistake and finish 10th when we should have finished ninth, then I will be unhappy.

The excessive increase of anything causes a reaction in the opposite direction.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Half a truth is often a great lie.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

A bone to the dog is not charity. Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.