I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Nature is not human hearted.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

All our words are but crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind.

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

If humanity doesn’t land on Mars in my lifetime, I would be very disappointed.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Humor is reason gone mad.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror. As a rule, a beautiful woman is a terrible disappointment.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool.

Life’s like a play: it’s not the length, but the excellence of the acting that matters.

Nature always wears the colors of the spirit.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

He who does not trust enough, Will not be trusted.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

I don’t mind making jokes, but I don’t want to look like one.

There’s so much about Dolly Parton that every female artist should look to, whether it’s reading her quotes or reading her interviews or going to one of her live shows. She’s been such an amazing example to every female songwriter out there.

My philosophy is, it’s always very rewarding when you can make an audience laugh. I don’t mind making fun of myself. I like self-deprecating comedy. But I’d like you to laugh with me occasionally, too.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?

People see me on the street, and they point to me, and they’re like, ‚Hey! All right, all right, all right!‘

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than what they think laughable.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life and one is as good as the other.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘