I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

It’s a funny old world.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I’m constantly trying to find new ways to get my hair out of my face.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I had a rat-tail when I was younger. I had this nice Bobby Brown fade, with a rat-tail that was long enough to wrap around my face. I used to chew on the end and bite it.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

Sometimes I wish my first word was ‚quote,‘ so that on my death bed, my last words could be ‚end quote.‘

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

I’m the man that brought you the mullet.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I was the first person to have a punk rock hairstyle.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

My long hair and the sideburns made me stand out, really, because my hairstyle was completely different to the other footballers of that era.

Rock ‚n‘ roll is ridiculous. It’s absurd. In the past, U2 was trying to duck that. Now we’re wrapping our arms around it and giving it a great big kiss.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

I told Warren if he mentions Prop. 13 one more time, he has to do 500 push-ups.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

Celebrity is ridiculous and silly and it’s mad that people like me are listened to – you know, rap stars and movie stars.