I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. It never works. That’s why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, ‚Bye!‘

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

How is it possible that a being with such sensitive jewels as the eyes, such enchanted musical instruments as the ears, and such fabulous arabesque of nerves as the brain can experience itself anything less than a god.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

The French complain of everything, and always.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial ‚we.‘

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.