I’ve got a great sense of humor.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Good planning is important. I’ve also regarded a sense of humor as one of the most important things on a big expedition. When you’re in a difficult or dangerous situation, or when you’re depressed about the chances of success, someone who can make you laugh eases the tension.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

That’s the one for my tombstone… Here lies David Byrne. Why the big suit?

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The secret to humor is surprise.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

I’m pretty laid-back in real life. I just love hanging with my friends and making jokes. The jokes don’t stop – literally, all day.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I don’t make people bend over backwards, and I don’t like that in people. I am definitely no diva.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

If you are a small company taking on a big company, you need to have a sense of humor.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

When things get so absurd and so stupid and so ridiculous that you just can’t bear it, you cannot help but turn everything into a joke.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

I understand that being able to appeal to the public and having an amazing sense of humour is not something that comes easy. It’s definitely a gift and for which I’m thankful.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

There’s certainly a side of me that isn’t completely… sane. Or completely ‚even‘ all the time. We all have our dark sides.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I like a man who grins when he fights.