I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I began running on an everyday basis after I became a writer. As being a writer requires sitting at a desk for hours a day, without getting some exercise you’d quickly get out of shape and gain weight, I figured.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

You’re in pretty good shape for the shape you are in.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Team sports aren’t my thing. I find it easier to pick something up if I can do it at my own speed. And you don’t need a partner to go running, you don’t need a particular place, like in tennis, just a pair of trainers.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I don’t exercise.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

For me, training is my meditation, my yoga, hiking, biking all rolled into one. Wake up early in the morning, generally around 4 o’clock, and I’ll do my cardio on an empty stomach. Stretch, have a big breakfast, and then I’ll go train.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

It was easy being healthy when I was young. I was full of energy, so sports and physical challenges were fun. But as I got older and the spring left my step, exercise became harder, and eating, drinking and watching TV became easier. By the time I was 50, I’d put on 50 pounds.

I like sports, and I enjoy playing basketball and lifting weights.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Do I have chocolate chip cookies? Yes, I do. Do I have mint chocolate chip milkshakes? Yes, I do. I love them. They are fantastic. But when I have them, they’re worth it. I earned them. I did something. I worked out super hard. I stayed clean on food.

Some people reckoned that I looked healthier when I was bigger but I had terrible skin and no energy.

I’ve done everything every fat person ever has. I’ve tried every diet.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

Walking is the best possible exercise. Habituate yourself to walk very far.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

F2’s much harder physically on the arms and almost on the whole body than F1 is.

I don’t feel that I’m explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I’m not trying to be a mirror, showing them what’s really going on the world. All I’m trying to do is think of stuff that’s funny, just like when I’m kidding around with my friends.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.