I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

College isn’t the place to go for ideas.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.

Basically, I live to do gigs.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Like getting into a bleeding competition with a blood bank.

I guess any movie actor can become a role model for audiences out there who enjoy him.

Some years ago I became president of Columbia University and learned within 24 hours to be ready to speak at the drop of a hat, and I learned something more, the trustees were expected to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I could have spent eight years doing anything, and at some level, it would have been fine. I could have focused on flowers. I could have focused on decor. I could have focused on entertainment. Because any First Lady, rightfully, gets to define her role. There’s no legislative authority; you’re not elected. And that’s a wonderful gift of freedom.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

What I remember as a child is that other kids didn’t care about suffering. I always did.

I’ve been known to preach.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

I think the family movie is very important to everybody right now.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

In my day, there were no vet video games.

It could be if I fight in front of one person or one million people. It’s still the same emotions.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

I knew early on that I wanted to entertain in some form. And I knew I would work as hard as anyone to do it.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

In music the passions enjoy themselves.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was very honored to get to be part of ‚American Idol.‘

Politics is applesauce.

I’ve spent too much time giving speeches, traveling the world.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating – is this the exact right mix? I think that’s – to me it’s anti-comedy. It’s more about PC-nonsense.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Diana Ross is a big inspiration to all of us. We all grew up watching everything about her – her mike placement, her grace, her style and her class.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I’ve always loved Def Leppard, ever since I was little.

There’s a lot of great movies that have won the Academy Award, and a lot of great movies that haven’t. You just do the best you can.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

Some of my foster families used to send me to the movies to get me out of the house and there I’d sit all day and way into the night. Up in front, there with the screen so big, a little kid all alone, and I loved it. I loved anything that moved up there and I didn’t miss anything that happened and there was no popcorn either.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

It just seems there’s better things to do in your life than be on television if it’s not interesting, if it’s not challenging, if it’s not fun. You know? When it stops being those things for me, I’ll stop making television.

When I was seven or eight years old, I began to read the science-fiction magazines that were brought by guests into my grandparents‘ boarding house in Waukegan, Illinois. Those were the years when Hugo Gernsback was publishing ‚Amazing Stories,‘ with vivid, appallingly imaginative cover paintings that fed my hungry imagination.

The PC has improved the world in just about every area you can think of. Amazing developments in communications, collaboration and efficiencies. New kinds of entertainment and social media. Access to information and the ability to give a voice people who would never have been heard.

According to Lifetime, I don’t know anything about TV.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

For, if a good speaker, never so eloquent, does not see into the fact, and is not speaking the truth of that – is there a more horrid kind of object in creation?

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I performed in a bowling alley before while people were still bowling. Cut the check, and I will perform anywhere.

When I was a kid, there were no credit cards. Instead, retailers offered layaway plans. My mom would go to a store, such as a furniture outlet, choose the sofa she wanted, and put it on layaway. That meant she put a little money down to hold the sofa, and every payday she’d pay a little toward the purchase.

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.