I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

Men shrink less from offending one who inspires love than one who inspires fear.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us.

The feeling of friendship is like that of being comfortably filled with roast beef; love, like being enlivened with champagne.

My wife told me if there is any rumors about me, it better be about politics and not about my social life.

I don’t dislike any of my exes. If I took time to form a relationship, it’s gonna hurt when we move on, but are you puttin‘ White-Out over all that beautiful time together? That was real time in your life. It’s connected to where you are today.

Ever since I dated a woman, I know what it is to grab a curve on a woman’s body. Skinny’s not fine when the lights are low.

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

It is most unwise for people in love to marry.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

Have you ever asked yourselves what you are going to do when you grow up? In all likelihood you will get married, and before you know where you are, you will be mothers and fathers; and you will then be tied to a job, or to the kitchen, in which you will gradually wither away. Is that all that your life is going to be?

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Love and desire are the spirit’s wings to great deeds.

When I get married, it’ll be no secret.

A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.

All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.

We are each made for goodness, love and compassion. Our lives are transformed as much as the world is when we live with these truths.

As I got older, I guess I became more mellow and more forgiving and more loving.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

To love one that is great, is almost to be great one’s self.

If you love something – and there are things that I love – you do want more and more and more of it, but that’s not the way to produce good work.

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

If we love our country, we should also love our countrymen.

Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

We have observed that, in society and the world in which we live, selfishness has increased more than love for others, and that men of good will must work, each with his own strengths and expertise, to ensure that love for others increases until it is equal and possibly exceeds love for oneself.

Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

When I understand myself, I understand you, and out of that understanding comes love.

Women have simple tastes. They get pleasure out of the conversation of children in arms and men in love.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

I have noticed… that men usually leave married women alone and are inclined to treat all wives with respect. This is no great credit to married women.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

We can’t form our children on our own concepts; we must take them and love them as God gives them to us.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Normally, when someone we love is turning away from a struggle, we self-protect by also turning away. That’s definitely my first response. I think change is more likely to happen if both partners have common language and a shared lens to see problems.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I don’t think marriage is a civil right, but I think that being able to transfer property is a civil right.

Where love is, there God is also.

Rocks and waters, etc., are words of God, and so are men. We all flow from one fountain Soul. All are expressions of one Love.

Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods.

Love is too young to know what conscience is.

We’re all going to die, all of us; what a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities. We are eaten up by nothing.

Man’s nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature.

People think, because we’re young, we aren’t complex, but that’s not true. We deal with life and love and broken hearts in the same way a woman a few years older might.

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

There’s nothing hippie about my picture of Christ. The Gospels paint a picture of a very demanding, sometimes divisive love, but love it is.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Do not rebuke mockers, or they will hate you; rebuke the wise, and they will love you.

The reason men oppose progress is not that they hate progress, but that they love inertia.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

We do not know what love is. We know the symptoms of it, the pleasure, the pain, the fear, the anxiety and so on. We try to solve the symptoms, which becomes a wandering in darkness. We spend our days and nights in this, and it is soon over in death.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.