I’ve… been accused of being involved with every man I’m ever seen with or worked with. Maybe I have, maybe I ain’t. I never tell if I have.

I’m the kind of person who needs to feel like everything happens for a reason. When you date a guy and it goes badly, that’s horrible. But if you can write a song about it, then it was worth it.

I had a lovers quarrel with the world.

When I was married, I definitely went through a lying period.

I always wanted a family.

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.

If the Great Way perishes there will morality and duty. When cleverness and knowledge arise great lies will flourish. When relatives fall out with one another there will be filial duty and love. When states are in confusion there will be faithful servants.

Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit.

Within one’s own family, money is not the measure of things, unless the person is an absolute Scrooge. Only the most extreme kind of monster would put a price on everything.

If you burn your neighbors house down, it doesn’t make your house look any better.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I think women love very hard. We love men. We just love with everything we have. And sometimes, I don’t know that that love is met with the type of dignity that we wish it would be met with.

We may have our private opinions but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts?

It is not love that should be depicted as blind, but self-love.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I think what motivates people is not great hate, but great love for other people.

Who, being loved, is poor?

I haven’t had that one great love, which is good. I don’t want that to be in the past – I want it to be in the future.

We’re not trying to make you less of a man. We just want you to love us as deeply and as wholesomely and as fully as we love you.

Amour is the one human activity of any importance in which laughter and pleasure preponderate, if ever so slightly, over misery and pain.

Not cohabitation but consensus constitutes marriage.

There is no such thing as society: there are individual men and women, and there are families.

Friendship improves happiness and abates misery, by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of our grief.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed.

So live with men as if God saw you and speak to God, as if men heard you.

I’m not the girl who always has a boyfriend. I’m the girl who rarely has a boyfriend.

One hearty laugh together will bring enemies into a closer communion of heart than hours spent on both sides in inward wrestling with the mental demon of uncharitable feeling.

Those whom we can love, we can hate; to others we are indifferent.

I know of no safe depository of the ultimate powers of the society but the people themselves; and if we think them not enlightened enough to exercise their control with a wholesome discretion, the remedy is not to take it from them but to inform their discretion.

He that has not got a wife is not yet a complete man.

Great is our admiration of the orator who speaks with fluency and discretion.

Love is not altogether a delirium, yet it has many points in common therewith.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

My mom and I have always been there for each other. We had some tough times, but she was always there for me.

‚Tis love that makes the world go round, my baby.

You gotta understand: I believe a woman should praise the man, the king. If you holding it down for your woman, I feel like the woman should praise. And the man should praise the queen.

I love us so incredibly, insanely deeply; it’s almost unbearable to see what we do to ourselves.

The correlative to loving our neighbors as ourselves is hating ourselves as we hate our neighbors.

It is not true that people are naturally equal for no two people can be together for even a half an hour without one acquiring an evident superiority over the other.

A family shares hardships and a connected history.

I’m standing behind a wall of jokes. You don’t know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I’m not on the road. There’s this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don’t know anything about me.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

What do I care about the purring of one who cannot love, like the cat?

Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love.

Ultimately, who you choose to be in a relationship with and what you do in your bedroom is your business.

Whoever does not have a good father should procure one.

The citizens of Tumortown are forever assailed with cures and rumors of cures.

The time comes upon every public man when it is best for him to keep his lips closed.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

Men get to be a mixture of the charming mannerisms of the women they have known.

Wisdom I know is social. She seeks her fellows. But Beauty is jealous, and illy bears the presence of a rival.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

I think it’s very important to cry in the shower and not in front of them. They need to know that everything’s going to be all right, even when you’re not sure it is.

My favorite thing in life is writing about life, specifically the parts of life concerning love. Because, as far as I’m concerned, love is absolutely everything.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone’s grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.

If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.

Keeping score is for games, not friendships.