It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

I grew up in a funny way.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Whenever a fellow tells me he’s bipartisan, I know he’s going to vote against me.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Wit is educated insolence.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

I was the only kid who anybody I knew has ever seen actually walk into a lamppost with his eyes wide open. Everybody assumed that there must be something going on inside, because there sure as hell wasn’t anything going on on the outside!

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.