It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I grew up in a funny way.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

A first-rate soup is more creative than a second-rate painting.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I do not paint a portrait to look like the subject, rather does the person grow to look like his portrait.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I hate to be smart.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

If you hear a voice within you say ‚you cannot paint,‘ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I’ll die a crazy old man!

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I am never going to have anything more to do with politics or politicians. When this war is over I shall confine myself entirely to writing and painting.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I do some kind of work, whether writing or painting or recording, on a daily basis. And it’s so essential that when I’m involved in the actual process, my so-called ‚real life‘ becomes almost incidental, which becomes worrying.

Painting is concerned with all the 10 attributes of sight; which are: Darkness, Light, Solidity and Colour, Form and Position, Distance and Propinquity, Motion and Rest.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Obviously, the cinematography of films is art, just as a still shot can be art. If I’m watching a Wes Anderson movie, the colour palettes alone, and the way they’re painted, could be art. With music, you’re a little bit limited, of course, because it’s only audio.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

I dream of painting and then I paint my dream.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.