It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape. I told him, ‚All right; don’t send me a bill until I pay you.‘

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Stand-up is my baby.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Being the boss anywhere is lonely. Being a female boss in a world of mostly men is especially so.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

If I hadn’t been a woman, I’d be a drag queen for sure. I like all that flair and I’d be dressing up in them high heels and putting on the big hair. I’d be like Ru Paul.

When the burdens of the presidency seem unusually heavy, I always remind myself it could be worse. I could be a mayor.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.