It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I found it hard to be young. When I was married in my twenties, I hated being regarded as ‚the little wife.‘ You don’t know what it was like then! I’d never even written a cheque. I had to ask my husband for money for groceries.

A family looks for ways to support and inspire one another.

When I think of the love I feel for each member of our family, I sense, to a slight degree, the love that our Heavenly Father bears for His children.

Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Tell your wife often how terrific she looks.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

The mind of a 19-year-old is very different from the mind of a 26-year-old. You grow. You get into better relationships. You experience more, meet more people, better people. But when you’re in a dark hole at an earlier point in your life – you write about the mindset you’re in at that moment.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

Friends are thieves of time.

Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back.

Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.

My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

The public doesn’t mind people living together without being married, providing they don’t overdo it.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

My wife doesn’t even want to spend 2 hours with me.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

If misery loves company, misery has company enough.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

The question of sexual dominance can exist only in the nightmare of that soul which has armed itself, totally, against the possibility of the changing motion of conquest and surrender, which is love.

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Within one’s own family, money is not the measure of things, unless the person is an absolute Scrooge. Only the most extreme kind of monster would put a price on everything.

Sometimes I’ve been to a party where no one spoke to me for a whole evening. The men, frightened by their wives or sweeties, would give me a wide berth. And the ladies would gang up in a corner to discuss my dangerous character.

Plain women know more about men than beautiful women do.

The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life.

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.

Life becomes harder for us when we live for others, but it also becomes richer and happier.

If someone has a really great boyfriend or career, I think, it’s cool that happens.

Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.

It’s important to love in hip hop.

I think we all change each other’s paths. I don’t know which law idea that is in physics, but I don’t think any of us can live without affecting one another.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

Why are women… so much more interesting to men than men are to women?

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

We cannot always assure the future of our friends; we have a better chance of assuring our future if we remember who our friends are.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Who, being loved, is poor?

It’s always wonderful to get to know women, with the mystery and the joy and the depth. If you can make a woman laugh, you’re seeing the most beautiful thing on God’s Earth.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

My mother and my father have been married 50 years, and he’s just started to understand that something’s wrong with the system. He accepted the whole thing, you see. Yet this industrious kind of engagement didn’t bring him the success, according to American terms, that he wanted. I was probably affected by this very much. In fact, I know I was.

In the spring of 1936, I was introduced by friends to Jean Tatlock. In the autumn, I began to court her. We were at least twice close enough to marriage to think of ourselves as engaged.

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

Love is an interesting thing. Perhaps I’ve never been in love before – I don’t really know? I think I have. I guess it’s subjective in that way.

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows – marriage does.

Love is like a virus. It can happen to anybody at any time.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

My experiences in life are getting bigger and better. The more stuff I do, the more stuff I talk about – having kids, traveling, going through relationship problems, dealing with things in my own family. All that stuff builds character.

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.

There is just no comparison between having a dinner date with a man and staying home playing canasta with the girls.

Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.