It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

If you treat people right they will treat you right… ninety percent of the time.

Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command.

You can’t trust very many people.

It may happen sometimes that a long debate becomes the cause of a longer friendship. Commonly, those who dispute with one another at last agree.

Your friend is your needs answered.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

My favorite thing in life is writing about life, specifically the parts of life concerning love. Because, as far as I’m concerned, love is absolutely everything.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love.

The public doesn’t mind people living together without being married, providing they don’t overdo it.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Trust is not the same as faith. A friend is someone you trust. Putting faith in anyone is a mistake.

Most of the people that I deal with are human. So I’ve had a lot of experience with that.

Women don’t try to use me.

No one can live without relationship. You may withdraw into the mountains, become a monk, a sannyasi, wander off into the desert by yourself, but you are related. You cannot escape from that absolute fact. You cannot exist in isolation.

My father was a mean, controlling and manipulative person for most of his life. He was unpredictable and unstable.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

I never had a mother. I suppose a mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Kindness in women, not their beauteous looks, shall win my love.

He who hath many friends hath none.

I am called a dog because I fawn on those who give me anything, I yelp at those who refuse, and I set my teeth in rascals.

In one day, I have times where I’m feeling great, I feel like I love my life, and then 2:30 rolls around and I’m the angriest man alive. My wife sees it.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

Friendship is essentially a partnership.

Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.

One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

He that loves to be flattered is worthy o‘ the flatterer.

If one could be friendly with women, what a pleasure – the relationship so secret and private compared with relations with men. Why not write about it truthfully?

You gotta understand: I believe a woman should praise the man, the king. If you holding it down for your woman, I feel like the woman should praise. And the man should praise the queen.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

Those whom we can love, we can hate; to others we are indifferent.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

‚Tis strange what a man may do, and a woman yet think him an angel.

I think I am smart unless I am really, really in love, and then I am ridiculously stupid.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Everyone has been in love, at some point or another.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Why should it be essential to love rarely in order to love much?

Humor is reason gone mad.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

Where there’s marriage without love, there will be love without marriage.

Everyone got kind of crazy with me mentioning I was in love with a woman.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

The most important single ingredient in the formula of success is knowing how to get along with people.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

It’s true that I’ve never had a burning desire to rebel against my parents.