It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

God is speaking to us. But are we listening to Him? When our conscience begins to nudge us for whatever reason, we might have this low-level misery or uneasiness about whatever it is we’ve done or we’re about to do. At times like this, it’s wise to prayerfully consider whether we’re offending God with our actions.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will – his personal responsibility in the realm of faith and morals.

Don’t be misled by those who claim God doesn’t exist, because He does.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Each time we cooperate with God, we take one more giant step forward. Because when God asks us to change, it means that He always has something better to give us – more freedom, greater joy, and greater blessings.

I don’t let my religious world get too complicated.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I believe that when you think of the negative, and you get up discouraged – ‚There’s nothing good in my future‘ – I really believe it almost ties the hands of God. God works where there’s an attitude of faith. I believe faith is all about hope.

Pray, and let God worry.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

I have never sat down and studied the Bible, never consciously echoed its language, and am, in reality, as ignorant of it as most brought-up Christians. All of the Bible that I use in my work is remembered from childhood and is the common property of all who were brought up in English-speaking communities.

It’s certainly not wrong to want to be a better person. God gave us that desire.

One cannot really be a Catholic and grown up.

If one has the answers to all the questions – that is the proof that God is not with him. It means that he is a false prophet using religion for himself. The great leaders of the people of God, like Moses, have always left room for doubt. You must leave room for the Lord, not for our certainties; we must be humble.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

There is nothing wrong with America that faith, love of freedom, intelligence, and energy of her citizens cannot cure.

I believe the scripture says that being gay is a sin.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

People often speak of God being even-handed. God is not even-handed. God is biased, in favor of the weak, of the despised.

You should not believe your conscience and your feelings more than the word which the Lord who receives sinners preaches to you.

We often want one thing and pray for another, not telling the truth even to the gods.

Not one person can make or break what I’m doing, except me or God.

Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light.

I always was a Christian… whatsoever a man thinks in his heart is who he is.

Communism is a religion that is inspired, directed and motivated by the Devil himself who has declared war against Almighty God.

I still enjoy watching a batter successfully cross home plate, but nothing thrills me more than seeing the Holy Spirit at work in hearts as the Gospel is carried into stadiums, across the airwaves, and around the world.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Lord sanctify us. Oh! That Thy spirit might come and saturate every faculty, subdue every passion, and use every power of our nature for obedience to God.

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

The only answer to fear is faith in God, knowing He loves you unconditionally and individually.

Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one’s weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.

Certain though I am – and ever more certain – that I must press on in life as though Christ awaited me at the term of the universe, at the same time I feel no special assurance of the existence of Christ. Believing is not seeing. As much as anyone, I imagine, I walk in the shadows of faith.

No man is much good unless he believes in God and obeys His laws.

Over the years I’ve learned how to lock myself up in a prison of hope, knowing that God has nothing but His best planned for me. He promised me things concerning my ministry and my life.

You have your ideology and I have mine.

When we walk without the cross, when we build without the cross and when we proclaim Christ without the cross, we are not disciples of the Lord. We are worldly. We may be bishops, priests, cardinals, popes, all of this, but we are not disciples of the Lord.

My grandpa was a preacher.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Whatsoever is, is in God, and without God nothing can be, or be conceived.

If we had more hell in the pulpit, we would have less hell in the pew.

All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen.

Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.

As with the Christian religion, the worst advertisement for Socialism is its adherents.

Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into.

Sometimes God will deliver you from the fire, and other times God will make you fireproof.

Peace is one of the most precious gifts God has promised His children.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Our prayers should be for blessings in general, for God knows best what is good for us.

When people say, you know, ‚Good teacher,‘ ‚Prophet,‘ ‚Really nice guy’… this is not how Jesus thought of Himself. So you’re left with a challenge in that, which is either Jesus was who he said he was or a complete and utter nut case. You have to make a choice on that.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

A serious writer is not to be confounded with a solemn writer. A serious writer may be a hawk or a buzzard or even a popinjay, but a solemn writer is always a bloody owl.

I believe in the fundamental truth of all great religions of the world.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

The more in harmony with yourself you are, the more joyful you are and the more faithful you are. Faith is not to disconnect you from reality – it connects you to reality.

I think there’s a lot of similarity between what people try to do with religion with what they want from art. In fact, I very specifically think that they are same thing. Not that religion and art are the same, but that they both tap into the same need we have for surrender.