It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

It’s only I have seen enough of it and the funny thing is now, I know that I’m skinny, because I know there are even smaller clothes in the store. I think I’m big, when I was big, I never thought about it.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Faith certainly tells us what the senses do not, but not the contrary of what they see; it is above, not against them.

It is the heart which perceives God and not the reason. That is what faith is: God perceived by the heart, not by the reason.

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

High office teaches decision making, not substance. It consumes intellectual capital; it does not create it. Most high officials leave office with the perceptions and insights with which they entered; they learn how to make decisions but not what decisions to make.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

Take my wife… Please!

We misjudge risk if we feel we have some control over it, even if it’s an illusory sense of control.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.

Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

No other planet in the solar system is a suitable home for human beings; it’s this world or nothing. That’s a very powerful perception.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love.

Few people have the imagination for reality.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Sometimes cameras and television are good to people and sometimes they aren’t. I don’t know if its the way you say it, or how you look.

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

What you see, but can’t see over is as good as infinite.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

Whatever deceives men seems to produce a magical enchantment.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

The universe as we know it is a joint product of the observer and the observed.

I can see, and that is why I can be happy, in what you call the dark, but which to me is golden. I can see a God-made world, not a manmade world.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Journalism is popular, but it is popular mainly as fiction. Life is one world, and life seen in the newspapers is another.

Every country is like a particular type of person. America is like a belligerent, adolescent boy; Canada is like an intelligent, 35-year-old woman. Australia is like Jack Nicholson. It comes right up to you and laughs very hard in your face in a highly threatening and engaging manner.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

The greatest service that can be offered to children who show personality traits or inclinations that might not be understood by the adults around them is to allow them to express their own unique humanity.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

To the women and children, T stands for tender. To the bad guys and thugs, it stands for tough.

Every spirit makes its house, and we can give a shrewd guess from the house to the inhabitant.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.