It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

When we are thinking about stuff like embeds, we are not thinking about how we are competing with YouTube. We are thinking about how are we going to make it more useful for people to share stuff on Facebook.

We want to play the AFC Cup every year.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I am sure as everyone knows that I am not the happiest if I don’t do a good job in qualifying or the race.

We’re very focused on making News Feed really good, making our photos experience really good, making messaging really good, and creating great location apps. That’s the nature of a platform business of our scale. Most companies that are relevant to us will have some overlaps in some competitive way.

It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain.

Man is an intelligence in servitude to his organs.

Competition is the keen cutting edge of business, always shaving away at costs.

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Clever men are good, but they are not the best.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.

I won at every level – all the way since I started playing the game of basketball at nine. I’ve won at every level, won championships at every level. And, you know, it won’t be fulfilled until I win at the highest level.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way.

The fact is, I was never too bright in school. I ain’t ashamed of it, though. I mean, how much do school principals make a month?

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

I was a little worried that young people would think the only game was being political and manipulative when really the bigger game is being so good at what you do that nobody can argue with your results.

We all started playing football against our best friends, and I can’t remember a moment where, because it was my best friend, I did not want to win against him.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Even though I had won in other categories, I didn’t have any expectations when I came into F1. Qualifying fifth, finishing sixth? I didn’t expect it.

No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them.

If you have 50 different plug types, appliances wouldn’t be available and would be very expensive. But once an electric outlet becomes standardized, many companies can design appliances, and competition ensues, creating variety and better prices for consumers.

It’s not going to do any good to land on Mars if we’re stupid.

All of us have been trained by education and environment to seek personal gain and security and to fight for ourselves. Though we cover it over with pleasant phrases, we have been educated for various professions within a system which is based on exploitation and acquisitive fear.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

You’re not going to see my sense of humor on the football field. That’s not a place for me to joke around.

The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

We are the most amazing creatures that this world has ever produced, but we seem to also have this herd mentality; we seem to be the most stupid, also.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I would rather die than do something which I know to be a sin, or to be against God’s will.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

The battlefield is a scene of constant chaos. The winner will be the one who controls that chaos, both his own and the enemies.

It kills me to lose. If I’m a troublemaker, and I don’t think that my temper makes me one, then it’s because I can’t stand losing. That’s the way I am about winning, all I ever wanted to do was finish first.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.