It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

The more players I have, the more difficult choices there are for me, but the better it is for LFC.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The old adage about giving a man a fish versus teaching him how to fish has been updated by a reader: Give a man a fish and he will ask for tartar sauce and French fries! Moreover, some politician who wants his vote will declare all these things to be among his ‚basic rights.‘

Often people become our friend or follower with an undercurrent of resentment in our having more success than they have. They secretly desire the opportunity to take us down a notch; they have a nose for any misstep on our part they can exploit.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I always have breakfast, say, scrambled egg whites, a vegetable smoothie, or whole-grain cereal with low-fat milk. For lunch and dinner, I eat a lot of fish and vegetables. And throughout the day, I try to stay hydrated.

Haitian rice farmers are quite efficient, but they can’t compete with U.S. agribusiness that relies on a huge government subsidy, thanks to Ronald Reagan’s free market enthusiasms.

I should be a postage stamp, because that’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. I’m beautiful. I’m fast. I’m so mean I make medicine sick. I can’t possibly be beat.

Shall I not have intelligence with the earth? Am I not partly leaves and vegetable mould myself.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

When I came up to bat with three men on and two outs in the ninth, I looked in the other team’s dugout and they were already in street clothes.

We came up with TDE. As competitive as rap is, and as much as we’re trying to exceed the standards we set for ourselves, we take their wins as our wins, too.

The fact is, I was never too bright in school. I ain’t ashamed of it, though. I mean, how much do school principals make a month?

Even the best and biggest teams in the world do not reach finals of tournaments.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

There is no sin except stupidity.

I can honestly say that I was never affected by the question of the success of an undertaking. If I felt it was the right thing to do, I was for it regardless of the possible outcome.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

When I was playing, there were always lots of teams in contention for the league – Arsenal, Manchester City, Liverpool, Leeds. Every week was a big game and a big battle.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

The human race may be the only intelligent beings in the galaxy.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

You must keep raising this game to higher and higher levels, as on the pool table – mastering eventually the psychological angles. Your playing is a pleasure, all the way to the end, to death, when the game is over.

I’m all for a good rivalry as long as lines are drawn.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

Since childhood, I’ve been a clown. I’ve always liked being very funny or trying to make people laugh. It’s my original self.

It is piracy, not overt online music stores, which is our main competitor.

Just as I wanted to outdo everyone when I played, I had to outdo everyone when we were out on the town.

It is not clear that intelligence has any long-term survival value.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

That’s what you live for as a sportsman. You have to put up a fight.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don’t like Los Angeles. The people are awful and terribly shallow, and everybody wants to be famous but nobody wants to play the game. I’m from New York. I will kill to get what I need.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Well, we know that people in Australia love the idea of both Impulse and Virgin Blue getting up and adding a bit of competition, and it’s fun to be able to deliver it.

Don’t be afraid to challenge the pros, even in their own backyard.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

If the battle for civilization comes down to the wimps versus the barbarians, the barbarians are going to win.

There are three kinds of intelligence: one kind understands things for itself, the other appreciates what others can understand, the third understands neither for itself nor through others. This first kind is excellent, the second good, and the third kind useless.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I am not gay, but if I were, I would be the first one running out of the closet.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

Anyone who conducts an argument by appealing to authority is not using his intelligence; he is just using his memory.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The thing that’s been really surprising about the evolution of Facebook is – I think then, and I think now – that if we didn’t do this, someone else would have done it.

The true competitors, though, are the ones who always play to win.

A market is never saturated with a good product, but it is very quickly saturated with a bad one.

An inability to handle language is not the same thing as stupidity.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.