It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I always wanted to be a father and thought it would be great, but it just took the right woman and the right time to make it all happen.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

First and foremost, we need to be the adults we want our children to be. We should watch our own gossiping and anger. We should model the kindness we want to see.

My mother did not like children.

When I was a kid, I had a tendency to criticize. But when I did, my mum would whisk me off to the bathroom to stand in front of a mirror. Ten minutes, never less. To think about how criticism is a poor reflection on the one who criticizes.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

My mom, she was a very, very soft woman. It was hard for her to yell or even curse. But when it came to fighting for her kids, she found a strength she didn’t always know she had.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

What I tell my kids is, ‚I’m preparing you for college and for life. So, having independence, knowing how to set your own boundaries, figuring out how to make that balance. We still have screen-time rules.‘

I’m not great at bedtime stories. Bedtime stories are supposed to put the kid to sleep. My kid gets riled up and then my wife has to come in and go, ‚All right! Get out of the room.‘

When you have kids, you see life through different eyes. You feel love more deeply and are maybe a little more compassionate. It’s inevitable that that would make its way into your songwriting.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Jesters do often prove prophets.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

The influence of a mother upon the lives of her children cannot be measured. They know and absorb her example and attitudes when it comes to questions of honesty, temperance, kindness, and industry.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

I don’t pick up toys. I crush them.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‚Where’s the self-help section?‘ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

Treat your children like the blessings they are or don’t have them at all.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Take my wife… Please!

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I just want to make sure when I have kids, I can spend time with them. That’s the whole point.

All genuinely intellectual work is humorous.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

Someday I want to have children and give them all the love I never had.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

I take my kids to school. And if I go to work, I go to work, and they visit me on set. I come home. I have dinner with my family. I have breakfast with my family. I have a very solid, very warm home.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.