It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

The bourgeois prefers comfort to pleasure, convenience to liberty, and a pleasant temperature to the deathly inner consuming fire.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

MySpace is my wife… Facebook is my mistress.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

It’s a funny old world.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

The gods too are fond of a joke.