It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

If you’re serious, you really understand that it’s important that you laugh as much as possible and admit that you’re the funniest person you ever met. You have to laugh. Admit that you’re funny. Otherwise, you die in solemnity.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

My friends are people who like building cool stuff. We always have this joke about people who want to just start companies without making something valuable. There’s a lot of that in Silicon Valley.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

I don’t think comedy will ever die.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Stand-up is hard.

Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.

I mean, families are weird.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

I was kind of secretly hoping one of my kids would go out and make a million bucks. So when they put me in a home, at least I’ll have a window with a view.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

It’s a funny old world.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

My son is becoming me – just a silly, silly prankster guy.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.