Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

For people who may think they know, or have snippets of who I am, you can attack that person. That’s part of being a public figure.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

Heathenism is a state of mind. You can take it that I’m referring to one who does not see his world. He has no mental light. He destroys almost unwittingly. He cannot feel any Gods presence in his life. He is the 21st century man.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Of all the senses, sight must be the most delightful.

I have to be seen to be believed.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

The perception of beauty is a moral test.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

The artist alone sees spirits. But after he has told of their appearing to him, everybody sees them.

All art is at once surface and symbol. Those who go beneath the surface do so at their peril. Those who read the symbol do so at their peril. It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. Diversity of opinion about a work of art shows that the work is new, complex and vital.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

Things ain’t what they used to be and never were.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I’ll die a crazy old man!

For, if a good speaker, never so eloquent, does not see into the fact, and is not speaking the truth of that – is there a more horrid kind of object in creation?

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Truth lives, in fact, for the most part on a credit system. Our thoughts and beliefs pass, so long as nothing challenges them, just as bank-notes pass so long as nobody refuses them.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

If I close my eyes and think of Hollywood, all I see is one big varicose vein.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‚Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.‘

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

They consider me to have sharp and penetrating vision because I see them through the mesh of a sieve.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

The hardest thing to see is what is in front of your eyes.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

Reality is only a Rorschach ink-blot, you know.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

The eyes are more exact witnesses than the ears.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Most people have no idea what something would sound like if it wasn’t an MP3.

An enemy generally says and believes what he wishes.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.