Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

The possession of anything begins in the mind.

Consider, when you are enraged at any one, what you would probably think if he should die during the dispute.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I know how fiction matters to me, because if I want to express myself, I have to make up a story. Some people call it imagination. To me, it’s not imagination. It’s just a way of watching.

I mean, families are weird.

The honest poor can sometimes forget poverty. The honest rich can never forget it.

Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

Luck is believing you’re lucky.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Will not a tiny speck very close to our vision blot out the glory of the world, and leave only a margin by which we see the blot? I know no speck so troublesome as self.

‚Worry‘ is a word that I don’t allow myself to use.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

My parents were divorced by the time I was even conscious – like, I don’t remember them ever being together.

We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving.

It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality.

Great minds are related to the brief span of time during which they live as great buildings are to a little square in which they stand: you cannot see them in all their magnitude because you are standing too close to them.

A sword never kills anybody; it is a tool in the killer’s hand.

Surely a long life must be somewhat tedious, since we are forced to call in so many trifling things to help rid us of our time, which will never return.

It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God that such men lived.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

When I was a boy we didn’t wake up with Vietnam and have Cyprus for lunch and the Congo for dinner.

I have never thought it necessary to patronize the American people.

When someone is impatient and says, ‚I haven’t got all day,‘ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

Our lifelong certainties about the world can be demolished in a single second.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I have seen enough of one war never to wish to see another.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

There are definitely people who disagree with certain creative decisions you make. Pleasing everyone is pretty hard.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

There is nothing so pitiful as a young cynic because he has gone from knowing nothing to believing nothing.

You have to understand that people that are hurting are going to criticize.

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.

A lot of people have it a lot worse than you do.

Nature and books belong to the eyes that see them.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

The most basic question is not what is best, but who shall decide what is best.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

We live in ugly times.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

The way people look at me these days – that’s the same way I looked at President Obama before I met him. We tend to forget that people who’ve attained a certain position are human.

Tell the truth, but tell it slant.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

In praise there is more obtrusiveness than in blame.

The minority is sometimes right; the majority always wrong.

Frankly, I mean, sometimes the interpretations I’ve seen on some of the songs that I’ve written are a lot more interesting than the input that I put in.

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The things I talk about and explain couldn’t happen – yet, they don’t seem impossible – you could say I talk about the world in an abstract perspective. But then, the world is basically insane – and it’s trying to pass itself off as being a sane place. I show it for what it is.

Beauty deprived of its proper foils and adjuncts ceases to be enjoyed as beauty, just as light deprived of all shadows ceases to be enjoyed as light.

I always kind of see how I want things to be better, and I’m generally not happy with how things are or the level of service that we’re providing for people or the quality of the teams that we built. But if you look at this objectively, we’re doing so well on so many of these things. I think it’s important to have gratitude for that.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

Words are powerful; if you change your words, you can change your life.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.