Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

An unemployed court jester is nobody’s fool.

I like gaps; all my stories have gaps. It seems this is the way people’s lives present themselves.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

The most basic question is not what is best, but who shall decide what is best.

Players today moan about the number of games, but when you’re young, you can’t play enough.

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.

You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.

A trifle consoles us, for a trifle distresses us.

Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

We identify in our experience a differentiation between what we do and what happens to us.

I think any life can be interesting, any surroundings can be interesting. I don’t think I could have been so brave if I had been living in a town, competing with people on what can be called a generally higher cultural level.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I’ve just had eighteen straight whiskies. I think that’s the record.

There really is no difference between the bully and the victim.

I met Woz when I was 13, at a friend’s garage. He was about 18. He was, like, the first person I met who knew more electronics than I did at that point. We became good friends, because we shared an interest in computers and we had a sense of humor. We pulled all kinds of pranks together.

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I often joke that 100 years from now I hope people are saying, ‚Dang, she looks good for her age!‘

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has many – not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.

Whether or not I like a piece of data has very little bearing on whether or not I am likely to accept it.

I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

There is nothing insignificant in the world. It all depends on the point of view.

It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.

My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or ten years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

No matter what, I always make it home for Christmas. I love to go to my Tennessee Mountain Home and invite all of my nieces and nephews and their spouses and kids and do what we all like to do – eat, laugh, trade presents and just enjoy each other… and sometimes I even dress up like Santa Claus!

They consider me to have sharp and penetrating vision because I see them through the mesh of a sieve.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

When I’m a director, I look at myself the actor as a completely different person. It’s somebody else up there, an actor playing a role. I keep myself out of it.

Money can’t buy life.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

When wealth is lost, nothing is lost; when health is lost, something is lost; when character is lost, all is lost.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.

What most persons consider as virtue, after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.

When the negative thoughts come – and they will; they come to all of us – it’s not enough to just not dwell on it… You’ve got to replace it with a positive thought.

Ageing’s alright, better than the alternative, which is not being here.

To observations which ourselves we make, we grow more partial for th‘ observer’s sake.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

The idea is to try to give all the information to help others to judge the value of your contribution; not just the information that leads to judgment in one particular direction or another.

I think that we all know what evil is. We have a sense of what’s evil, and certainly killing innocent people is evil. We’re less sure about what is good. There’s sort of good, good enough, could be better – but absolute good is a little harder to define.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

To me a lush carpet of pine needles or spongy grass is more welcome than the most luxurious Persian rug.

People see things differently and remember things differently. It’s why if somebody robs a liquor store and there are four witnesses they’ll often disagree.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

Read about history, and you become aware that nothing starts with us.

Death is not the worst that can happen to men.

There is so much that people take for granted.