In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Dakota Fanning is a child, but she is a wonderful actor. I don’t know what a child actor is. She’s an actor who’s a child.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

The right honourable gentleman caught the Whigs bathing, and walked away with their clothes. He has left them in the full enjoyment of their liberal positions, and he is himself a strict conservative of their garments.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Hollywood is not suited for me, and I am not suited for it.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

The more cats you have, the longer you live. If you have a hundred cats, you’ll live 10 times longer than if you have 10. Someday this will be discovered, and people will have a thousand cats and live forever. It’s truly ridiculous.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

I seem to be getting a lot of things pushed my way that are strong women. It’s like people see Hackers and they send me offers to play tough women with guns, the kind who wear no bra and a little tank top. I’d like to play strong women who are also very feminine.

I live in Hollywood, but you can’t make me love Hollywood. I’ll never love Hollywood.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t!

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

In Hollywood, a lot of times when something is in development, it just takes a lot of time.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

I didn’t start sweating until I had children. That was one of the first things I realized when my daughter Violet was born – I started getting wicked BO. You know there’s a difference between basketball BO and stress BO? This was definitely stress BO. Like, new dad BO.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

When you have box-office results, Hollywood treats you different. Hollywood stands up. Once you get to the point where Hollywood sees that you create results, then the demand for you becomes higher.

Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.

It is no surprise that animation is Hollywood’s most successful and innovative genre.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

I will never win an Oscar, and do you know why? First of all, because I’m not Jewish. Secondly, I make too much money for all those old farts in the Academy.

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That’s the funniest joke in the world.

I’ve tried to reduce profanity but I reduced so much profanity when writing the book that I’m afraid not much could come out. Perhaps we will have to consider it simply as a profane book and hope that the next book will be less profane or perhaps more sacred.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

I went by myself to Hollywood, I spoke no English, every day I had to go to school.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

It’s a funny old world.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.