In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

There is no distinctly American criminal class – except Congress.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it’s their fault.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

True humor springs not more from the head than from the heart. It is not contempt; its essence is love. It issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Take my wife… Please!

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Satire lies about literary men while they live and eulogy lies about them when they die.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

I must have read every issue of ‚Punch‘ published in the 20th century, and I think in the process I picked up the true voice of English humour – that amiable, fairly liberal, laconic voice which you find in something like ‚Three Men in a Boat.‘

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

Stand-up is hard.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I think when people mean that Discworld books have become darker they really mean the series is growing up. In ‚The Colour of Magic‘ most of the city is set alight. It’s a joke, in much the same way that the Earth is destroyed almost at the start of Douglas Adams’s ‚The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.‘

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

My husband says I look like a Q-tip.

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.