In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Take my wife… Please!

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched. Ha ha.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

All the women in my life have been librarians, English teachers and book sellers.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Women have a certain sexuality, and I think their bodies are beautiful, and I’m not embarrassed to explore that in a film. But there are things you get offered that are vulgar and violent – just like there’s a side of me that’s vulgar and violent.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

There’s a personality trait known as agreeableness. Agreeable people are compassionate and polite. And agreeable people get paid less than disagreeable people for the same job. Women are more agreeable than men.

Women are made to be loved, not understood.

The gods too are fond of a joke.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

The thing that I fear discriminating against is humor and truth.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

You can tell the strength of a nation by the women behind its men.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Women always excel men in that sort of wisdom which comes from experience. To be a woman is in itself a terrible experience.

A woman can bring a new love to each man she loves, providing there are not too many.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.