In 1969, I gave up women and alcohol – it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US Congress.

Sometimes, women in families put themselves last until it manifests itself in their own health.

There’s nothing funnier than the human animal.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

I think there’s more women that watch me than men, but I don’t look at myself as just a minister to women. My ministry began that way, but I really feel like the Word of God is for everybody.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it’s my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

Plain women know more about men than beautiful women do.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication – it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness – it is all that I have – and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well.

If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane, If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

He is a drunkard who takes more than three glasses though he be not drunk.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

Women. They are a complete mystery.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.