I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

There’s many a man has more hair than wit.

I mean, families are weird.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

The term ‚the American Left‘ is as near to being meaningless or nonsensical as any term could really be in politics. It isn’t really a force in politics anymore. And it would do well to ask itself why that is.

Politics is applesauce.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

I think that, ah, I’m a very goofy sort of person in many ways.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I’ll say things that are serious and put them in a joke form so people can enjoy them. We laugh to keep from crying.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

I’m so old, I don’t buy green bananas any more.

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won’t die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn’t have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn’t want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

When I was with Andy Warhol, I thought, ‚God, his wig looks cheaper than mine!‘

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

The difference between a Republican and a Democrat is the Democrat is a cannibal they have to live off each other, while the Republicans, why, they live off the Democrats.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Unlike Europe, China can’t be intimidated. Europe backs down if the United States looks at it the wrong way. But China, they’ve been there for 3,000 years and are paying no attention to the barbarians and don’t see any need to.

It’s a good thing we don’t get all the government we pay for.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

But there is a difference between cozying up to power and being close to power.

I think I have always had a little humor.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.

Don’t be getting sloppy drunk and telling them dirty jokes.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There’s a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there’s something in there that’ll make you laugh.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

The governments of the present day have to deal not merely with other governments, with emperors, kings and ministers, but also with the secret societies which have everywhere their unscrupulous agents, and can at the last moment upset all the governments‘ plans.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Cruel leaders are replaced only to have new leaders turn cruel.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.