I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Anybody with a sense of humor is going to put on my album and laugh from beginning to end.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I love Steve Carell.

Death is a fearful thing.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

The death of my father is probably the biggest thing that I ever faced. Daddy and I were best friends.

Previous generations understood about death, and undoubtedly would have seen a reasonable amount of death. Once you get into the Victorian era, you might well have seen the funerals of many of your siblings before you were very old.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

When President Obama speaks about raising taxes on the rich, he speaks about high-income employees and small business owners, not entrepreneurs who build big businesses.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

If you die you’re completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I’m not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I’ve got.

My fear was not of death itself, but a death without meaning.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

I pay a lot of tax, and I feel, one of the reasons I stay and pay why I’m not based in Monaco… I think my country helped me.

What pity is it That we can die, but once to serve our country.

All those who believe in psychokinesis – raise my hand.

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

No matter how prepared you think you are for the death of a loved one, it still comes as a shock, and it still hurts very deeply.

If anything, taxes for the lower and middle class and maybe even the upper middle class should even probably be cut further. But I think that people at the high end – people like myself – should be paying a lot more in taxes. We have it better than we’ve ever had it.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I was extremely lucky that I had two great wives. It sounds a bit funny to say that, but it’s absolutely true.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Men are never really willing to die except for the sake of freedom: therefore they do not believe in dying completely.

Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in at death; and the higher the rate of interest and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed.

Peoples do not defy repression and death, nor do they remain for nights on end protesting energetically, just because of merely formal matters.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead.

Nothing in life is promised except death.

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Ice-cream is exquisite – what a pity it isn’t illegal.

A lot of critics object to what I do, but I got into comedy to make people laugh, and I’ve always worked hard.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.

I’ve got a great sense of humor.

I believe everyone should have a good death. You know, with your grandchildren around you, a bit of sobbing. Because after all, tears are appropriate on a death bed. And you say goodbye to your loved ones, making certain that one of them has been left behind to look after the shop.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Violent men have not been known in history to die to a man. They die up to a point.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.