I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

What makes all doctrines plain and clear? About two hundred pounds a year. And that which was proved true before, prove false again? Two hundred more.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

The fact that our task is exactly commensurate with our life gives it the appearance of being infinite.

People have never looked so ugly as they do today. We just consume far too much.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

I always say that women should wear whatever makes them feel good about themselves. That’s what I always try to do.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Many people identify their sense of self with the problems they have, or think they have.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

‚They‘ are the people that don’t believe in you, that say that you won’t succeed. We stay away from ‚They.‘

I never saw myself as a folk singer.

It’s very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to get the joke across in as few words as possible. However, sometimes a word that’s not really needed does help the rhythm of it. It’s a gut feeling.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

My kids are the funniest two human beings there are.

Dignity, and even holiness too, sometimes, are more questions of coat and waistcoat than some people imagine.

If I’d been born ugly, you’d never have heard of Pele.

Every man has his own courage, and is betrayed because he seeks in himself the courage of other persons.

You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m not that bad. I’m certainly not a boy, and it’s been a while since I’ve been a chef.

I tend to get bored quickly, which means I must be boring.

I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn’t serious because I was smart. I wasn’t like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious – like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I’ve never lived my life in the opinion of others. I believe I’m a good person. I believe I’m a good mom. But that’s for my kids to decide, not for the world.

Nothing external to you has any power over you.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

Carry the battle to them. Don’t let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don’t ever apologize for anything.

I walk tall; I got a tall attitude.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

We cannot live being obsessed with what other people think about us. It’s impossible to live like that. Not even God managed to please the entire world.

I would never say I was an icon, but so many people have said I am, so I suppose I am. I mean, I can’t not be what everyone says I am. But I don’t feel like an icon.

There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, ‚I know what I’m doing, just show me somebody naked.‘

There is more to sex appeal than just measurements. I don’t need a bedroom to prove my womanliness. I can convey just as much sex appeal, picking apples off a tree or standing in the rain.

The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

If you can’t make it good, at least make it look good.

Stand-up is hard.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

The best way to sell yourself to others is first to sell the others to yourself.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

The ‚Billionaire‘ song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It’s funny.

Perhaps, as some wit remarked, the best proof that there is Intelligent Life in Outer Space is the fact it hasn’t come here. Well, it can’t hide forever – one day we will overhear it.

I think I’ve committed the one really bad English crime, which is I’ve risen above my station. I was supposed to be a pop star, and suddenly I’m claiming that I’m an artist of some kind.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

No great deed is done by falterers who ask for certainty.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.