I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

I heard that when Christina Aguilera went back to her prom, people, like, booed her. I can’t imagine going through that. If you know that’s going to happen, why put yourself in that situation? I’d rather play for 20,000 screaming people, you know?

Key is never be afraid of being yourself. Never!

Carry the battle to them. Don’t let them bring it to you. Put them on the defensive and don’t ever apologize for anything.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

‚They‘ is… stay away from them, please. There is so many different definitions of ‚they.‘ You might have a personal ‚they.‘ They against you; they want you broken and miserable. They don’t like winners; they don’t like people who’s blessed. So everybody’s got a different ‚they.‘

The fact is that since you’re a divine creation who originated in the world of Spirit, you have exactly the right amount of smarts to accomplish all that you need and want to do while you’re here on earth. It’s all perfect… and so are you!

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I don’t lose any sleep at night over the potential for failure. I cannot even spell the word.

To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don’t grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

Politics is applesauce.

My concern today is not with the length of a person’s hair but with his conduct.

When a country has the skill and self-confidence to take action against its biggest problems, it makes outsiders eager to be a part of it.

I still think I am the greatest.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

With all singers, insecurity is your best security. That’s why we’re such loud people and why we walk all funny. You think, ‚Are people interested?‘ But I think our band has something and they know we don’t just put albums out. We do think about it.

The French complain of everything, and always.

The funny thing is people won’t let me pay for things. I’ll be in a restaurant and the manager will say, ‚Oh no, it’s on the house.‘

Be proud to be Latino and never lose that pride!

I’m a bookworm. I know with my physical appearance that I don’t look like the typical reader. I’m in Barnes & Noble all the time, and you can look at people that look like they are supposed to be in there. I am in there, pants sagging, hat backwards.

I hate being called an ‚icon.‘ I just don’t like it. That’s all there is to it.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

I’ve had a lot of ridiculous haircuts.

You have to just accept your body. You may not love it all the way, but you just have to be comfortable with it, comfortable with knowing that that’s your body.

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

True politeness consists in being easy one’s self, and in making every one about one as easy as one can.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.

It’s a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I’d be a drag queen.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

I don’t look at myself as a commodity, but I’m sure a lot of people have.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

Particularly Instagram, people look like they have a much better life than they really do. People basically seem like they are way better-looking than they really are, and they are way happier-seeming than they really are.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Another belief of mine; that everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there’s a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Most of the confidence which I appear to feel, especially when influenced by noon wine, is only a pretense.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

Some sarcasm is best told simply.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

I think, a lot of times when you meet someone, you feel like you need to appear like you’re not interested in them so that they’ll be more interested in you. But what happens when you start showing him that you actually like him? What’s he gonna do then? Play the tape forward; how do you keep a guy like that? I don’t want to sign up for that.

There was a point where I really felt I had ‚penniless divorcee lone parent‘ tattooed on my head.

Pride is pleasure arising from a man’s thinking too highly of himself.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.

Her body calculated to a millimeter to suggest a bud yet guarantee a flower.

When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.