I’m half-Irish, half-Dutch, and I was born in Belgium. If I was a dog, I’d be in a hell of a mess!

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I’d love to date somebody cool, fun, funny.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

You know, my main reaction to this money thing is that it’s humorous, all the attention to it, because it’s hardly the most insightful or valuable thing that’s happened to me.

What I have never been afraid of is to be a little silly, and you can engage people that way. My view is, first you get them to laugh, then you get them to listen.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

I like quips. I like whiffs of cynicism and I think they can be witty. But I don’t really know where wittiness is constructive.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

I don’t get up, get dressed, go out, and think, ‚Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.‘

As the poet said, ‚Only God can make a tree,‘ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

So, I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‚Free at last,‘ and she says ‚You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes.‘ So I say, ‚You’re talking to the former president, baby,‘ and she said, ‚consider this your new domestic policy agenda.‘

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

A lot of truth is said in jest.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them… well, I have others.

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.

My daughter doesn’t even get my humor. She’s like, ‚Um, no. I don’t get it, Dad. Mmm, no, not that one, Dad.‘

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

Homework’s hard. Especially math. My kids joke with me. They tell me they have homework. I say, ‚Okay.‘ And then I sit down and they say, ‚It’s math.‘ ‚No! Not math! English, history, anything!‘

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.