I’ll be like Bob Hope, touring when I’m 100.

Touring is very routine. You get to the city, you go to the hotel, you got to be at the hotel by a certain time – it’s very routine. I’m not a very structured person, so when I get some structure, it’s cool; it’s good for me.

I am a giant proponent of giant screens. But I accept the fact that most of my movies are going to be seen on phones.

If I had never ventured beyond being a stand-up comic, then I would be sitting in my house today working on my Leonardo DiCaprio impression.

Stand-up is hard. Or to keep it at a certain level is hard: I have no writers but me.

I can remember earning £5,000 a game playing for Hibs at the end of the Seventies. They let me commute from London, train on the Friday and play on Saturday. That lasted until my friends at the Inland Revenue decided to take two-thirds. That wasn’t very entertaining for me.

People don’t want drama 365 days a year. I’m a sense of relief; it’s my job to take your mind off what’s bad for that brief second you’re in the room with me, regardless of shape, race, colour or anything. It brings people together, and it makes me feel good about what I’m doing.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Disneyland is the star, everything else is in the supporting role.

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.

A lot of people can’t stand touring but to me it’s like breathing. I do it because I’m driven to do it.

Wrestling was like stand-up comedy for me.

I like Cardi B!

I love Chris Brown. He’s a superstar. He’s one of the best singers out there.

I think the thing we see is that as people are using video games more, they tend to watch passive TV a bit less. And so using the PC for the Internet, playing video games, is starting to cut into the rather unbelievable amount of time people spend watching TV.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

I do admire Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen, but I’m a philistine. I like the good life too much; I’m not good at going on stage night after night and on wet Wednesday afternoons.

I want to play a fireman and a spy. I want to learn special effects.

Seeing a live Kenny Chesney show, you know what you’re going to get. You know it’s going to be an all-day party.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I’m all about surprises. If you watch a horror movie, and it’s called ‚Kiss Land,‘ it’s probably going to be the most terrifying thing you’ve ever seen in your life.

In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.

Those movies sure got me into a rut.

I’m not a film buff. I don’t watch a lot of movies.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Stand-up comedy is mine: it’s my entity; it’s my brand; I own it. I do it when I want to do it.

And I love a scary movie. It makes your toes curl and it’s not you going through it.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Human beings need stories, and we’re looking for them in all kinds of places; whether it’s television, whether it’s comic books or movies, radio plays, whatever form, people are hungry for stories.

I have kind of a funny relationship with movies. I don’t have to see the whole movie to get an impression of it or to let it have an influence on me.

My mother is from another time – the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that’s what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. I know if I wasn’t her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

I guess any movie actor can become a role model for audiences out there who enjoy him.

Everything I learned I learned from the movies.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don’t get that.

Some of my foster families used to send me to the movies to get me out of the house and there I’d sit all day and way into the night. Up in front, there with the screen so big, a little kid all alone, and I loved it. I loved anything that moved up there and I didn’t miss anything that happened and there was no popcorn either.

I love music, and after my first experience with movies, I can’t wait to do more.

I’ve been reading tabloids since I was nine. I love a good story.

You are always hoping that movie audiences are interested in characters and interested in story values rather than just mindless special effects. But you never know.

Man, I really like Vegas.

I’m a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys – movie-star guys, where they could help me through it.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

‚The Simpsons‘ appearances were great fun. But I don’t take them too seriously. I think ‚The Simpsons‘ have treated my disability responsibly.

Friends applaud, the comedy is over.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

When I do stand-up shows at colleges, girls will talk to me after the show, and that always feels good. I like talking to them.

I prefer to be in a video than to play with it.

I’m Mickey Mouse. They don’t know who’s inside the suit.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

You entertain people who are satisfied. Hungry people can’t be entertained – or people who are afraid. You can’t entertain a man who has no food.

Stand-up is my baby.

I spent much of my childhood in northern Quebec, and often there was no radio, no television – there wasn’t a lot to entertain us. When it rained, I stayed inside reading, writing, drawing.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

According to Lifetime, I don’t know anything about TV.

Everybody is entertained to death.

I could have spent eight years doing anything, and at some level, it would have been fine. I could have focused on flowers. I could have focused on decor. I could have focused on entertainment. Because any First Lady, rightfully, gets to define her role. There’s no legislative authority; you’re not elected. And that’s a wonderful gift of freedom.

At the end of the day, the TV show is the best job in the world. I get to go anywhere I want, eat and drink whatever I want. As long as I just babble at the camera, other people will pay for it. It’s a gift.