If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

I’m never gonna step away from stand-up. I can’t. That’s what got me where I am, and that’s also my muse. That’s how I stay level-headed. That’s what keeps me going.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

Whenever I say I made a record in the garage, people just assume that I have, like, a Lear jet parked in there or something. But really there’s old luggage, a couple of bikes. It’s big enough to put one minivan in. That’s it. No dartboard. I’m so not macho.

I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him ‚father.‘

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.

I confess I enjoy democracy immensely. It is incomparably idiotic, and hence incomparably amusing.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I’ll say, ‚That’s right, keep the same haircut for ten years.‘ How fun is that?

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.

The secret to humor is surprise.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

I love Steve Carell.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

It’s sometimes comical to hear the younger generation ask their peers to repeat themselves.

If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you’ve got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!

At the end of the day, I want to be part of the same conversation as Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle, Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That’s still what I am doing. The end.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

How do you catch a knuckleball? You wait until it stops rolling, then go pick it up.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.