If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

The only way I’d be caught without makeup is if my radio fell in the bathtub while I was taking a bath and electrocuted me and I was in between makeup at home. I hope my husband would slap a little lipstick on me before he took me to the morgue.

I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.

When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn’t got any.

There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

I’ve got a great sense of humor, and if I’m able to say or do something in a movie that people feel like they want to repeat, that’s hugely flattering.

Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, ‚A house guest,‘ you’re wrong because I have just described my kids.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

Is life worth living? It all depends on the liver.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once. And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

I was training to be an electrician. I suppose I got wired the wrong way round somewhere along the line.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I just think it’s so important not to take yourself too seriously.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I’ll tell you one thing, since I’m married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

For me, the way I stay consistent is through stand-up comedy.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

A friend of mine jokes that I have a painstaking royalty complex. Like maybe I was a duke in a past life.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

One should take good care not to grow too wise for so great a pleasure of life as laughter.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You might be the funniest guy in the world, but if you don’t have anything to talk about, people are eventually going to gravitate towards the guy that’s actually saying something.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I’m never gonna step away from stand-up. I can’t. That’s what got me where I am, and that’s also my muse. That’s how I stay level-headed. That’s what keeps me going.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

All of the Vines that were acted & setup & had nice cameras, those weren’t the good Vines. The good Vines were, like, a random little kid in the middle of a forest, like, yelling.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

When people laugh at Mickey Mouse, it’s because he’s so human; and that is the secret of his popularity.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.