If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

I purposely don’t talk about money, because people are already skeptical about TV preachers. But I do say that I want you to be blessed. To me, prosperity is having health, having great children, having peace, good relationships. It’s not about the money.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I think I have always had a little humor.

Connectivity enables transparency for better government, education, and health.

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day.

It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.

Remember that all financial markets are filled with good but not necessarily innocent people looking after their own self-interests before they look after yours.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

The health of the people is really the foundation upon which all their happiness and all their powers as a state depend.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.

I believe that every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

Have fun in your command. Don’t always run at a breakneck pace. Take leave when you’ve earned it, spend time with your families.

The French complain of everything, and always.

I’m a very private person. I don’t go out much. I’m home with kids. I go to work. I don’t really like being the focus of attention, which is why I like being behind the camera more.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Work ends up dehumanizing people.

Acting is just a way of making a living, the family is life.

People who have time on their hands will inevitably waste the time of people who have work to do.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When things are really dismal, you can laugh, or you can cave in completely.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.

I think it’s good for a woman to put on a bit of weight when she gets older – it looks better. But a man has to stay balanced.

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet.

Touring is hard on the body.

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I do not love to be printed on every occasion, much less to be dunned and teased by foreigners about mathematical things or to be thought by our own people to be trifling away my time about them when I should be about the king’s business.

When I’m writing, I don’t feel neurotic. So it’s better for the family if I’m working.

Money is kind of a base subject. Like water, food, air and housing, it affects everything yet for some reason the world of academics thinks it’s a subject below their social standing.

If a woman can, by careful selection of a father and nourishment of herself, produce a citizen with efficient senses, sound organs and a good digestion, she should clearly be secured a sufficient reward for that natural service to make her willing to undertake and repeat it.

I think any statement about stock prices is always suspect unless it’s made by Warren Buffett.

It seems like we wake up and it’s a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, ‚What the hell am I doing?‘

I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money’s sake.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I just don’t like mutual funds. I think they’re a rip-off.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

We have soon to have everywhere smoke annihilators, dust absorbers, ozonizers, sterilizers of water, air, food and clothing, and accident preventers on streets, elevated roads and in subways. It will become next to impossible to contract disease germs or get hurt in the city, and country folk will got to town to rest and get well.

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

I guess maybe when you get past 70, other people start asking you how you feel.

I used to have insecurity about my finances, then I announced that I had debt, and now I don’t have any insecurities.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

We use work to numb out. We can’t turn off our machines because we’re afraid we’re going to miss something.

If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

I don’t need therapy. I’m not going to see a therapist; comedy acts as my therapy. I put my problems out there. I talk about them. I talk about everything before anybody has a chance.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

Ninety percent of the cases of polio are in security-vulnerable areas.

When your physical energy and mind combines, it’s great.

People are always asking me in interviews, ‚What do you think of foreign affairs?‘ I just say, ‚I’ve had a few.‘