If you spend your life competing with business men, what do you have? A bank account and ulcers!

The citizens of Tumortown are forever assailed with cures and rumors of cures.

It was that famous joke: What’s the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band? ‚Hey, I wrote a song.‘

The components of anxiety, stress, fear, and anger do not exist independently of you in the world. They simply do not exist in the physical world, even though we talk about them as if they do.

My chances of developing breast cancer have dropped from 87 percent to under 5 percent. I can tell my children that they don’t need to fear they will lose me to breast cancer.

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food.

Let me ask you a question: If you never ate a balanced diet, what would happen to your body? You know the answer: Eventually you’d grow weak; you might even open yourself to serious illness or disease. We all need a balanced diet if we are to stay healthy.

The chief condition on which, life, health and vigor depend on, is action. It is by action that an organism develops its faculties, increases its energy, and attains the fulfillment of its destiny.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

Every once in a while I get the highly inappropriate proposal which is like, ‚Wow, Really! You don’t even know me and I don’t know you at all, and you want that to happen? Tonight? Ok, I get off work at 7.30.‘

Wall Street is the only place that people ride to in a Rolls Royce to get advice from those who take the subway.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.

I would never win an award for not loving pizza.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

If I am not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don’t want to go there.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

In France there are, I think, less than one per cent of people who are too skinny.

It’s far more important to know what person the disease has than what disease the person has.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

People make jokes about my bosoms, why don’t they look underneath the breasts at the heart? It’s obvious I’ve got big ones and if people want to assume they’re not mine, then let them.

I’m not denyin‘ the women are foolish. God Almighty made ‚em to match the men.

I laugh and joke, but I don’t get distracted very easily.

I have no desire to crow over anybody or to see anybody eating crow, figuratively or otherwise. We should all get together and make a country in which everybody can eat turkey whenever he pleases.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

I take my sleep very, very important.

Money is the seed of money, and the first guinea is sometimes more difficult to acquire than the second million.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I don’t drink water, haven’t drank water in 40 years.

I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

AIDS itself is subject to incredible stigma.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

No body can be healthful without exercise, neither natural body nor politic, and certainly, to a kingdom or estate, a just and honourable war is the true exercise.

Fame and power are the objects of all men. Even their partial fruition is gained by very few; and that, too, at the expense of social pleasure, health, conscience, life.

The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being, but to remind him that he is already degraded.

Debt is a social and ideological construct, not a simple economic fact.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Man needs difficulties; they are necessary for health.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

The thing most people don’t pick up when they become an entrepreneur is that it never ends. It’s 24/7.

I almost laughed about the Machiavellian plans of the presidents of the United States.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

That’s the biggest gift I can give anybody: ‚Wake up, be aware of who you are, what you’re doing and what you can do to prevent yourself from becoming ill.‘

Cancer victimhood contains a permanent temptation to be self-centred and even solipsistic.

Remember that all financial markets are filled with good but not necessarily innocent people looking after their own self-interests before they look after yours.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Take my wife… Please!

Most of the stuff I do on the show comes out of me just trying to make my friends laugh.