If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

I sing and play the guitar, and I’m a walking, talking bacterial infection.

A good laugh is sunshine in the house.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time… I think I’ve forgotten this before.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

What a nice night for an evening.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.

Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

All the world lies warm in one heart, yet the Sierra seems to get more light than other mountains. The weather is mostly sunshine embellished with magnificent storms, and nearly everything shines from base to summit – the rocks, streams, lakes, glaciers, irised falls, and the forests of silver fir and silver pine.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I’m leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it’s not raining.

I mean, families are weird.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

Long stormy spring-time, wet contentious April, winter chilling the lap of very May; but at length the season of summer does come.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.

I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing, and the shadow won.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I do not, in fact, use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people’s memories for a while.

London is too full of fogs and serious people. Whether the fogs produce the serious people, or whether the serious people produce the fogs, I don’t know.

It is not funny that anything else should fall down; only that a man should fall down. Why do we laugh? Because it is a gravely religious matter: it is the Fall of Man. Only man can be absurd: for only man can be dignified.

The more violent the storm, the quicker it passes.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

Trash talk? Smack talk? This is an American term that makes me laugh. I simply speak the truth. I’m an Irish man.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

Teach a parrot the terms ‚supply and demand‘ and you’ve got an economist.

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

You know, my Grandpop Finnegan used to have an expression: he used to say, ‚Joey, the guy in Olyphant’s out of work, it’s an economic slowdown. When your brother-in-law’s out of work, it’s a recession. When you’re out of work, it’s a depression.‘

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

I don’t know why women want any of the things men have when one of the things that women have is men.