If you look at me close enough, there’s a small resemblance to a chicken nugget. I don’t know if it’s my skin texture or my hair, but the resemblance is definitely there.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

Let it be your constant method to look into the design of people’s actions, and see what they would be at, as often as it is practicable; and to make this custom the more significant, practice it first upon yourself.

I’ve exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

The French complain of everything, and always.

Laughter is America’s most important export.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

I often look ridiculous in Japan. There’s really no way to eat in Japan, particularly kaiseki in a traditional ryokan, without offending the Japanese horribly. Every gesture, every movement is just so atrociously wrong, and the more I try, the more hilarious it is.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‚Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.‘ He said, ‚Yes, but not in a row.‘

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

Praise undeserved, is satire in disguise.

If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I’d draw the curtains.

The philosophical question before us is, when we make an observation of our track in the past, does the result of our observation become real in the same sense that the final state would be defined if an outside observer were to make the observation?

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

‚Discworld‘ is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

I don’t write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

You can’t trample infidels when you’re a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.

But, you know, it’s still a drag to get your picture taken when you’re eating a sandwich. It’s a downer.

It’s amazing how confused and distracted and misdirected so many people are.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‚See if you can blow this out.‘

Mediocrity can talk, but it is for genius to observe.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career – anything for a laugh.

See, people are watching you. Especially your children. They’re taking in every single thing you do. They are like video cameras with legs. And they are always in the record mode. They learn more from what you do than from what you say.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.

There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, ‚Yes,‘ you know he is a crook.

People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy… and I keep it in a jar on my desk.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

Every man sees in his relatives, and especially in his cousins, a series of grotesque caricatures of himself.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

I’m looking for backing for an unauthorized auto-biography that I am writing. Hopefully, this will sell in such huge numbers that I will be able to sue myself for an extraordinary amount of money and finance the film version in which I will play everybody.

Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

In order to arrive at knowledge of the motions of birds in the air, it is first necessary to acquire knowledge of the winds, which we will prove by the motions of water in itself, and this knowledge will be a step enabling us to arrive at the knowledge of beings that fly between the air and the wind.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Comedy’s about opening up and being unique, but to a point where the audience can relate to what you’re saying.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

Someone once asked me, ‚How long does it take to do your hair.‘ I said, ‚I don’t know, I’m never there.‘

A person who can’t pay gets another person who can’t pay to guarantee that he can pay. Like a person with two wooden legs getting another person with two wooden legs to guarantee that he has got two natural legs. It don’t make either of them able to do a walking-match.

The Artist is he who detects and applies the law from observation of the works of Genius, whether of man or Nature. The Artisan is he who merely applies the rules which others have detected.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

I laugh all the time – at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don’t laugh onstage because then it’s serious business.

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.

I’m always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don’t even take what I am seriously.

It’s funny; recently I’ve started to notice people’s impersonations of me, and it’s basically like a hyperactive child.

Of puns it has been said that those who most dislike them are those who are least able to utter them.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.