If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

The beauty of the world, which is so soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Of all the subjects on this planet, I think my parents would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‚O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.‘ And God granted it.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Attitude and enthusiasm play a big part in my life. I get excited about the things that inspire me. I also believe in laughing and having a good time.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too.

But there are advantages to being elected President. The day after I was elected, I had my high school grades classified Top Secret.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The expression a woman wears on her face is far more important than the clothes she wears on her back.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Women, like men, should try to do the impossible. And when they fail, their failure should be a challenge to others.

Whenever I want to laugh, I read a wonderful book, ‚Children’s Letters to God.‘ You can open it anywhere. One I read recently said, ‚Dear God, thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.‘

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don’t notice they’re getting made fun of. So they’ll say something back that’s not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

There’s different kinds of laughs. It’s like a baseball lineup: this guy’s your power hitter, this guy gets on base, this guy works out walks. If everybody does their job, we’re gonna win.

People may think I’m trying something new by telling stories, but they’re just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That’s what I do.

Why can’t I just eat my waffle?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

A lot of my rhymes are just to get chuckles out of people. Anybody with half a brain is going to be able to tell when I’m joking and when I’m serious.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Since the very beginning, Emeril’s had a sense of humor about me calling him names and poking fun at him.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Joe Frazier is so ugly that when he cries, the tears turn around and go down the back of his head.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

People who do not know how to laugh are always pompous and self-conceited.