If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Deprived of meaningful work, men and women lose their reason for existence; they go stark, raving mad.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

The story with anorexic girls – nobody works with anorexic girls. That has nothing to do with fashion.

The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity.

Creativity has got to start with humanity and when you’re a human being, you feel, you suffer. You’re gay, you’re sick, you’re nervous or whatever.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made ‚em up myself.

I’ve been thinking of humorous things since I was… I can’t remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.

My success comes in making fun of whatever you’re doing. That’s my way.

The mind of America is seized by a fatal dry rot – and it’s only a question of time before all that the mind controls will run amuck in a frenzy of stupid, impotent fear.

But for my faith in God, I should have been a raving maniac.

One touch of nature makes the whole world kin.

Any idea, plan, or purpose may be placed in the mind through repetition of thought.

I love nerdy, cute, quirky boys who don’t take themselves too seriously.

Even paranoids have real enemies.

I grew up in a funny way.

I used to let other people’s struggles affect my happiness. If they weren’t happy, there was no way I was going to be happy. The opposite was also true: If I wasn’t happy, I didn’t want anyone around me to be happy.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

I am particularly drawn to the form of meditation called Japa. I know it works.

It’s a funny old world.

I’m a meathead, man. You’ve got smart people, and you’ve got dumb people. I just happen to be dumb.

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.

We were at a beach one summer, and I had a bathing suit on. My wife looked at me and said: ‚Boy, you are skinny, aren’t you?‘ I said: ‚Honey, I’d like to remind you that it was minor defects like this that kept me from getting a better wife.‘

Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

No one’s policing their own minds more than an author. You spend a lot of time in your own head analysing what you think about things, and a philosophy comes.

People get a kick out of my stupidity.

Well, if Fortune be a woman, she’s a good wench for this gear.

Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o’clock is a scoundrel.

I’m the only person of distinction who has ever had a depression named for him.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you’ll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.

Contrary to reports, this boy is not a billionaire or going to be richer than any Beatle… and not just in the sense of money, by the way; the Beatles are untouchable – those billionaire reports are a joke.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

Ain’t nothing like a good cry.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.

Why, I’d horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I am not bound to please thee with my answer.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

I like the app where you can make your own memes. I make memes all the time and send them to my friends.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

A great hallmark of mental wellness is the ability to be in the present moment, fully and with no thoughts of being elsewhere.

When you’re coming up with new material, it’s not always gonna be good. The only way to learn is for it not to get a laugh, so you can adjust it and come back the next day to see if it’s working right. Next time, you might get a different laugh. You’re constantly rebuilding.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‚Did you sleep good?‘ I said ‚No, I made a few mistakes.‘

Everyone knows nowadays that people ‚have complexes‘. What is not so well known, though far more important theoretically, is that complexes can have us.

If I feel anxious every time someone is staring at me, well, I can’t control what they stare at, but my reaction is, I’m just not going to go outside the house. I’m going to stay in and chill. And when I do go out, I understand what comes along with that.

Throw off your worries when you throw off your clothes at night.

Life’s too short to deal with other people’s insecurities.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.