If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I’ll forgive Thy great big joke on me.

I make fun of situations and try and find the humor in things, but it’s never at the expense of the other guy.

When you’re in comedy, people always come up and say, ‚Oh, it must be so hard.‘ It really isn’t hard unless you’re not good at it. If you can do it, its really kind of fun and easy.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I don’t like magic – but I have been known to make guys disappear.

I am particularly drawn to the form of meditation called Japa. I know it works.

We begin to see, therefore, the importance of selecting our environment with the greatest of care, because environment is the mental feeding ground out of which the food that goes into our minds is extracted.

Melancholy, indeed, should be diverted by every means but drinking.

Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.

This above all; to thine own self be true.

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

This world is but a canvas to our imagination.

Worry and reasoning are two of Satan’s most successful tools. He’ll get us started with one negative thought and then sit back and watch us finish ourselves off.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

If it’s stress of things that we cannot control, what you have to do is you mitigate that stress as much as possible. You’ve planned, you’ve trained, you’ve done everything you can in your power to mitigate the stress that’s facing you. And then after that, there’s nothing you can do. So, you have to let that one go.

Fear makes us feel our humanity.

Well, there are some things that I just can’t get out of my head, and they start to annoy me after a while. Sometimes they’re of my own creation, as well – and they’re just as annoying. It’s not only other people’s ear worms that bug me, it’s my own, as well.

I briefly did therapy, but after a while, I realised it is just like a farmer complaining about the weather. You can’t fix the weather – you just have to get on with it.

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.

When the sword is once drawn, the passions of men observe no bounds of moderation.

For me, it’s a purity thing about the joke itself. It’s a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that’s a legitimate item you have there. For me, it’s nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It’s just not what I’m in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

There is more of good nature than of good sense at the bottom of most marriages.

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

People say I look so happy – and I say, ‚That’s the Botox.‘

An onion can make people cry but there’s never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Women in particular need to keep an eye on their physical and mental health, because if we’re scurrying to and from appointments and errands, we don’t have a lot of time to take care of ourselves. We need to do a better job of putting ourselves higher on our own ‚to do‘ list.

Mothers and daughters generally have fairly complex relationships, and ours was made much more so by Mother’s illness. She had Parkinson’s disease, which was not diagnosed for a long time… All that made me very self-protective, because for one thing, I didn’t want to get trapped.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

‚Educational‘ refers to the process, not the object. Although, come to think of it, some of my teachers could easily have been replaced by a cheeseburger.

I remember the first time I heard a teenager say ‚LOL.‘ Just what? But it means ‚laugh.‘ Why don’t you just laugh? What are you doing?

We’re a phenomenally snobby society, and it’s such a rich seam. The middle class is so funny: it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

When people need love and understanding and support the most is when they deserve it the least.

What keeps me up at night? Anxiety. Anxiety, the inability to go to sleep, it’s quite literally that.

Most people wouldn’t know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn’t give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn’t seem right.

I must be cruel, only to be kind.

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

Funny is the world I live in. You’re funny, I’m interested. You’re not funny, I’m not interested.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

I try not to think about my life. I have no life. I need therapy.

I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.

I suffer from deep depression, so my only release is music.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

My body is weird. I wake up when the sun comes up, and it’s hard for me to go to sleep. My thoughts just take over.

I just want to retire before I go senile because if I don’t retire before I go senile, then I’ll do more damage than good at that point.

When I die, I’m gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Nothing becomes so offensive so quickly as grief. When fresh it finds someone to console it, but when it becomes chronic, it is ridiculed, and rightly.

I’ve been called a moron since I was about four. My father called me a moron. My grandfather said I was a moron. And a lot of times when I’m driving, I hear I’m a moron. I like being a moron.

We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression.

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘