If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‚President Can’t Swim.‘

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the ‚Boston Phoenix,‘ and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that’s where I first saw ‚deadpan.‘

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

I have decided in 2020 to run for president.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

My goal is to make everyone and anyone a Kevin Hart fan.

The middle class is so funny, it’s the class I know best, and it’s the class where you find the most pretension, so that’s what makes the middle classes so funny.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

Some years ago I became president of Columbia University and learned within 24 hours to be ready to speak at the drop of a hat, and I learned something more, the trustees were expected to be ready to speak at the passing of the hat.

I try to be funny and not ignorant.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

Many people, including some conservatives, have been very impressed with how brainy the president and his advisers are. But that is not quite as reassuring as it might seem.

A lot of people think I’m a comedian.

Jesters do often prove prophets.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.

There was a time when people said, ‚Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.‘ Now they just say, ‚Pay him!‘

The American people are bigger than any president. I suppose I have faith in my country and in what it is founded on and the values we hold dear.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

Obama’s not Jesus. He can’t walk on water.

That is why, no matter how desperate the predicament is, I am always very much in earnest about clutching my cane, straightening my derby hat and fixing my tie, even though I have just landed on my head.

I’m a big believer than a great bit is a great bit – if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they’re beautiful things when they’re done.

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way – but it has to be said the right way.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It’s just funny.

Wit is the lowest form of humor.

A president has an inescapable responsibility to provide direction: What are we trying to achieve? What are we trying to prevent? Why? To do that, he has to both analyze and reflect.

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Believe it or not, I make myself laugh. Sometimes when I have thoughts or say some things that are funny, it just makes me laugh, and I don’t mind laughing at it before you guys do.

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

I particularly like Twitter, because it’s short and can be very funny and informative. It’s a little bit like having your own radio program.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman – not me, not Bill, nobody – more qualified than Hillary Clinton to serve as president of the United States of America.

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

My husband calls me ‚catfish.‘ He says I’m all mouth and no brains.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

I had a soft-spot in my heart for Ronald Reagan, if only because he was a sportswriter in his youth.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster.

I was a class clown. At 12, I was definitely clowning. I was making all the jokes. But I was smart, so the teachers didn’t know what to do with me.

Chris Rock does the political thing really well, but that never worked for me.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I’m not a serious person, and I don’t like serious people.

The great thing about having a bunch of kids is they just remind you that you’re the person who takes them to go poop!

I once told Nixon that the Presidency is like being a jackass caught in a hail storm. You’ve got to just stand there and take it.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

It is really funny when people say you’d be obvious for a great villain.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.

I’m odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

You know what, I’m very attracted to someone who makes me laugh and is that charming. Really, I could be charmed by anyone. I’m just a sucker for somebody that is charming.