If I studied all my life, I couldn’t think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.

How long will it take the citizens of the United States, one wonders, to recognize that the house their country bombed in Iraq is the same one they were living in until it was foreclosed?

The worst government is often the most moral. One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane. But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.

That government is best which governs least.

What we won when all of our people united must not be lost in suspicion and distrust and selfishness and politics. Accordingly, I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as president.

The trouble with Nixon is that he’s a serious politics junkie. He’s totally hooked and like any other junkie, he’s a bummer to have around, especially as President.

The second office in the government is honorable and easy; the first is but a splendid misery.

The money in politics is a cash cow for the media.

Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated.

Remember, no one decides who they’re going to vote for based on the vice president. I mean that literally.

No government ought to be without censors; and where the press is free no one ever will.

The book, ’12 Rules For Life,‘ is a very serious book. There’s elements of humor in it, but I’m trying to struggle with things at the deepest possible level and to explain to people why it’s necessary to live a upstanding and noble and moral and truthful and responsible life, and why there’s hell to pay if you don’t do that.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Politics is not bean bags. It’s serious, tough stuff.

There are websites that any government wants to block. The truth about the Internet is that it’s extremely hard to block anything – extremely hard. You’ll never get perfect blocking.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

Satire lies about literary men while they live and eulogy lies about them when they die.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I’ll die a crazy old man!

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

To understand Europe, you have to be a genius – or French.

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Most of the problems a President has to face have their roots in the past.

If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.

I believe we can continue the Great Society while we fight in Vietnam.

Ninety-nine percent of the men and women of the FBI… are just professionals. I don’t want Americans, if an FBI agent knocks on their door, to have to be worried about well, is he a Democrat or a Republican? He’s an FBI agent.

There’s a lot of fuss on the Left about election irregularities, like, you know, the voting machines were tampered with, they didn’t count the votes right, and so on. That’s all accurate and of some importance, but of far more importance is the fact that elections just don’t take place, not in any meaningful sense of the term ‚election.‘

An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

No man will ever carry out of the Presidency the reputation which carried him into it.

As an athlete, you’d better laugh at yourself when you slip in the mud.

I can’t go out with a Republican.

If men were angels, no government would be necessary.

With Benghazi, I don’t see anyone saying, ‚Hey look, I am overall responsible for this and therefore, I take responsibility for what happened. It’s my fault.‘ I haven’t heard that yet. Meanwhile, the other side of the coin, the Osama bin Laden raid, it seems everyone made that decision, and that’s just unbelievable to me.

I think I have always had a little humor.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

It’s impossible, I think, however much I’d become disillusioned politically or evolve into a post-political person, I don’t think I’d ever change my view that socialism is the best political moment humans have ever come up with.

How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg.

There are men so philosophical that they can see humor in their own toothaches. But there has never lived a man so philosophical that he could see the toothache in his own humor.

The Cuban model doesn’t even work for us anymore.

Nationalism is power hunger tempered by self-deception.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

‚Bombing Afghanistan back into the Stone Age‘ was quite a favourite headline for some wobbly liberals. The slogan does all the work. But an instant’s thought shows that Afghanistan is being, if anything, bombed out of the Stone Age.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It’s like stealing a two-year-old.

I just use fashion as an excuse to talk about politics. Because I’m a fashion designer, it gives me a voice, which is really good.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

Politicians must set their aims for the high ground and according to our various leanings, Democratic, Republican, Independent, we will follow. Politicians must be told if they continue to sink into the mud of obscenity, they will proceed alone.

Comedians are sociologists. We’re pointing out stuff that the general public doesn’t even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

It has always been my private conviction that any man who puts his intelligence up against a fish and loses had it coming.

Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure.

If somebody thinks they’re a hedgehog, presumably you just give ‚em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I think Clinton, after getting into office and into Washington, was shocked at being bludgeoned. So he spent time trying to be all things to all people – one way guaranteed not to be successful or respected in a lion’s den. You can’t just play around with all those big cats – you’ve got to take somebody on.

I wish I could make music about politics. I feel like it’s such an art and a talent that I admire tremendously, but when I step into the studio, I step out of the real world, and it’s therapeutic.

I have learned, in my life and work as a sportswriter, that big-time Sports and big-time Politics are not so far apart in America. They are both a means to the same end, which is victory… And why not? Victory is good for you, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

The idea that putting Americans ‚first‘ requires a withdrawal from the world is simply wrongheaded because a retreat would achieve exactly the opposite for our citizens.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

And frankly, I don’t understand – I mean, I’m obviously a card-carrying Democrat – but I can’t understand why any woman would want to vote for Mitt Romney, except maybe Mrs. Romney.

The government has completed the entire process to do away with interviews for lower rank jobs. There will be no requirement of interview for Group D,C and B non-gazetted posts in central government.

I know the Federal Reserve Bank can continue to print more and more money… but city and state governments cannot.