If I had to describe myself to an alien I’d say I was bigger than the average human, enjoy a drink or two with a good meal and have a bigger head than most. I’d also say I’m really handsome – especially if they were a female alien.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.

God and I have a great relationship, but we both see other people.

I was in enough to get along with people. I was never socially inarticulate. Not a loner. And that saved my life, saved my sanity. That and the writing. But to this day I distrust anybody who thought school was a good time. Anybody.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I still derive immense pleasure from remembering how many hod-carrying brickies were encouraged to put on lurex tights and mince up and down the high street, having been assured by know-it-alls like me that a smidgen of blusher really attracted the birds.

I really miss being able to blend in with people.

I’ve always had to conquer fear when I’m on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It’s absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I’m okay. It’s like I’m out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‚What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!‘

There’s nothing like white trash at the White House.

People want to go out and travel around and meet cool people. I could just go live in Vermont, but is that what I really want?

I do all my own stunts. I’m kidding.

When I’m being funny, I try not to offend. I don’t think much of what I’ve done has been in really ghastly taste. I don’t think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

My absolute favourite piece of information is the fact that young sloths are so inept that they frequently grab their own arms and legs instead of tree limbs, and fall out of trees.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.

If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don’t get wet you can keep.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‚What for?‘ I said, ‚I’m going to buy some sugar.‘

Nobody enjoys the ‚little show about nothing‘ humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

I know I’m more on television, and I’m more recognisable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I don’t want people to think of me as sexy.

I don’t know who I touch and who I don’t. I work hard trying to make people laugh. I try to do the kind of stuff that made me laugh growing up. I don’t have any secrets. I don’t know the reasons I’ve been so well received.

I’m sure we, the American people, are the butt of jokes by those in power.

Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I won’t do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can’t, it’s not gonna make the team.

I mean, families are weird.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

Never injure a friend, even in jest.

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

All cruel people describe themselves as paragons of frankness.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I have no problem yelling at anybody’s kid – free of charge!

I am a dangerous man when turned loose with a typewriter.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.

No one is laughable who laughs at himself.

I don’t go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it’s contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

I’m not someone who sits at home and doesn’t like to go out, doesn’t like to watch movies. I like to live my life.

The secret to humor is surprise.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

There used to be an old bad joke. I hope it’s not so much a good joke anymore. ‚Everybody’s from Scranton; no one’s in Scranton.‘

I love that I can tell the truth and have people laugh at it.

Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.

If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.